Bertie was right: steer clear of banks and the like

Once again, the ever-prescient Bertie Ahern has shown his people the way, writes Miriam Lord

Once again, the ever-prescient Bertie Ahern has shown his people the way, writes Miriam Lord. With world financial markets in turmoil and share prices tumbling, the lure of the biscuit tin must seem far more attractive to worried investors today than the siren call of the stockbroker.

As they blow on their burned fingers, the Blue Monday brigade are wondering why they didn't follow the unusual example set by Ahern when he was Minister for Finance and simply stash their ready cash in a cubby hole at home.

You see, Bertie was right all along: steer clear of banks and the like. The future lies under floorboards and inside dresser drawers, although in his day, Bertie mostly favoured the office safe.

Never did him any harm, even if he can't lay his hands on a tax clearance certificate for the foreseeable future. No matter. The Taoiseach said yesterday he might stay in his job until the year 2012, by which time the Revenue Commissioners should have sorted him out with the relevant documentation.

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Thanks to a technicality enjoyed by Dáil deputies, Bertie doesn't need actual clearance to continue working as a TD.

However, when he retires, if he can't produce a certificate he will be legally prevented from doing a bit of taxi work at the weekends to supplement his pension. The law is much tougher on ordinary people.

Taoiseach Ahern declared his intention of staying around for the long haul during a visit to the new Irish Aid Volunteering and Information Centre on Dublin's O'Connell Street. As no stranger to the concept of aid - he swears he was once the beneficiary of a housing fund put in place for him by some charitable friends - Bertie was the ideal candidate to cut the ribbon and officially open the aid information centre.

The event also marked his first encounter with the local media since Christmas. Upon his return, the Taoiseach discovered the long break hasn't lessened interest in his financial affairs.

Before he arrived, a microphone stand set up by his officials gave out under the weight of all the journalistic contraptions on it and had to be hastily repaired.

Bertie may be sick of the questions about his finances, the Mahon tribunal and his tax obligations, but he didn't show it yesterday. He put on a display of vintage Bertie.

"How's everybody!" he chirruped, breezing in with Foreign Affairs Minister Dermot Ahern at one shoulder and junior minister for Overseas Development Michael Kitt colonising the other. The centre, by the way, "is a state of the art, multi-media exhibition space, designed to raise awareness of development issues and the role of Irish Aid in tackling global poverty". Which means lots of school tours.

A man protested outside about illegal logging in the third world, telling reporters that some of the wood used in hoardings around the building had been sourced in Papua New Guinea.

Foreign Minister Ahern said his Government took their responsibility in this area very seriously, and wanted to use "indigenous wood" wherever possible.

Full marks to the Taoiseach, for he is leading the way again, utilising much indigenous wood in his choice of junior ministers and committee chairs.

Chirpy Bertie was very keen to talk at length about the international financial markets, internal and external "volutivity", the American subprime lending crisis, the state of the Irish economy and the undesirability of "short-termism" in financial planning.

He could have waxed all day on world issues, until the inevitable questions came about his personal issues. Would he resign, given that a majority of the public have indicated they do not believe his Mahon tribunal evidence?

Bertie put on a big smile, all teeth and stretched lips. He spat a spirited "Never!" through the grin. "I just got a mandate a few months ago, so I have to see that out. Maybe 2012?" He smiled like he was trying to win first prize in a "See Who Can Smile the Best" competition.

Next, the tax question. Which, as Bertie sees it, isn't really a question at all.

"The issue here is very simple" he began, signalling that it would be futile to attempt to understand the reply, which turned out to be more layered than a chocolate fudge cake.

All we need to know is that "there is nothing outstanding" between Bertie and the taxman. He mentioned the word "interpretation" a lot. The Revenue have taken a "position" not to issue any final ruling until after the Mahon tribunal has finished its work.

"I understand the Revenue's position" he murmured sympathetically.

Clearly, if it were up to the Taoiseach, he would have that tax clearance certificate in his hands this minute, ready to show to his detractors. But you can't hurry the taxman. His hands are tied.

This must be very frustrating for Bertie, but the Revenue wants to wait, so what can a man do? The Taoiseach and his Ministers did a tour of the information centre, pitching up at an interactive map of Africa.

Tanzania flashed onto the screen. "That's where we were last week," smiled Bertie to a number of schoolchildren standing beside him for the photo opportunity.

East Timor flashed up next. "I'm actually going there in February" confided Minister Ahern to Taoiseach Ahern. "It's impossible to get there - takes 14 hours. Even on the Government jet!"

The students were agog.

When I grow up, I want to be . . .