Arctic conditions outside were appropriate as Cowen ushered in our long economic winter, writes MIRIAM LORD
WITH OUR sovereignty in one hand and a begging bowl in another, we signed ourselves in and “entered the programme”. No choice, said the Taoiseach.
Ajai Chopra – The Chopper – beckoned us in. The man from d’IMF was very welcoming, but firm. He’s in charge now.
It was freezing outside Government Buildings last night. It wasn’t much warmer inside, when it fell to Brian Cowen to herald in the long economic winter.
The Taoiseach managed a few wan smiles as he tried to convince us that harsh days may lie ahead, but if everyone throws on an extra jumper the country should survive. We’ll have to knit it ourselves, mind.
Two officials from the Department of Finance joined three Government ministers on the platform with him to break the confusing news of our new status. Waiting in the wings to confirm it, the people from d’IMF.
Always considerate of the feelings of their latest employees, they let Cowen and company into the conference centre first to stress that the newly cemented bailout agreement was Ireland’s brainchild.
Whereupon minutes later, The Chopper and his enforcers arrived in to say they are happy to let the Irish claim responsibility for the detail.
They will, if the situation demands, “augment” the solutions proposed by the Government. Should a new government wish to tinker with the programme, Chopper said his crew would “assess new measures and see if they reach our milestones”.
At which point an icy wind will have chilled the bones of Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore. We can only hope their new strait-jackets won’t chaff too much. Already, the likes of Michael Noonan, Joan Burton and Pat Rabbitte are complaining that they won’t be able to function properly under such restriction.
The choice of minister at the top table puzzled some people. Why Mary Hanafin (Tourism), Eamon Ryan (Communications) and Pat Carey (Gaeltacht)? Hardly the first string of economic departments.
Had others refused to share a platform with the boss? Were some ministers sulking? Is there trouble in the camp? Not at all. It was simply a question of geography and the Sabbath.
The rest are from outside Dublin. Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey, from next door in Meath, was probably out on an icy road somewhere in a high-vis jacket with a shovel and a truckload of grit.
Oh, to be in Malta, now that d’IMF is here.
At first, when we surveyed the gloomy cast of politicians and mandarins, we thought Mary Hanafin was looking rough. She’s let herself go, we mused. Sad to report, but gone a bit jowly.
But wait. While the name plate in front of the seat next to the Taoiseach indicated Hanafin, her seat was occupied by Kevin Cardiff, Secretary General of the Department of Finance.
Mary looked mightily relieved not to be sitting beside Biffo. Her silver brooch, depicting The Children of Lir, brought a touch of Celtic sadness to proceedings. It took the mythical children 900 years to escape their imprisonment. D’IMF reckon we should be out of the woods in five.
On the Taoiseach’s other side sat Green minister, Eamon Ryan. That is to say, he was there in body, but in spirit, he seemed miles away. Had he leaned any further away from the Taoiseach, he would have disappeared through the backdrop.
Biffo tried to be upbeat. We have now saved Europe and the euro. We have done our duty. The cost is still anybody’s guess, as, try as they might, journalists couldn’t get a precise figure on how much the interest on the various loans will actually cost.
All the Taoiseach could supply was an “average” of 5.83 per cent. Or a “blended” rate, as he preferred to call it, like we are dealing with a nice bottle of malt.
“We are not an irresponsible country,” he said, stressing that Ireland will do her duty by Europe. We were once, obviously, but no point in raking up the past.
Moving on, what the Government has to do is “manage the transition to a sustainable debt and deficit position”.
Hooray! If nothing else, he’s found a solution to a big problem for Fianna Fáil: what to choose as an election slogan. “Fianna Fail – Managing the Transition.” That’s punchy.
It’s hard to pick out what else he had to say. Most of his replies were impenetrable and we wondered if he was speaking Portuguese.
“I hope gives you a perspective as to what our position could be . . .”, he said, after one particularly convoluted reply, long after the slack-jawed hacks had laid down their biros and fallen into a jargon induced stupor.
Still. It might have been worse. Things aren’t as bad as they were in the 1980s, he soothed. At least he didn’t say he was going to take a shilling off the old age pension, just €17.5billion from the National Pension Fund.
What of the next government? “In fairness to the future, all I can say is . . .” they’ll have to speak to The Chopper about that. And get with the programme . . .