I consider myself very fortunate. I owe everything to my family and my make-up man. My wonderful family keeps me going and my wonderful make-up man keeps me from looking like I already went. (1980). . .
Where else but in America could the Women's Liberation Movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support? (1970)
I have it on good authority that [senator Joseph\] McCarthy is going to disclose the names of two million communists. He has just got his hands on the Moscow telephone directory. (1954)
Students are revolting all over the world. I don't know what they're revolting about, I just know that they're revolting. (1969)
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. (1963, on being awarded a Congressional Gold Medal by President Kennedy)
"Did you see our show or were you sick before? (to GIs in hospital tents in Burma, Vietnam and Korea)
My parents were English. We were too poor to be British. (on his family's British origins)
A lot of people ask me how I stay in shape. I've got a new video coming out called the Bob Hope workout tape. If you do the exercises carefully you'll be laughed at wherever you go.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
There's so many talk shows, they're running out of applause machines... I may have to lend them the one I have over my bed. (to Johnny Carson)
In a 1947 radio sketch with Dorothy Lamour
Lamour: I'll meet you in front of the pawn shop.
Hope: Okay Dottie, and then you can kiss me under the balls.
I don't believe in all that sexual permissiveness you hear about today. Maybe it's because I'm at the age when my bag is my lunch. (1969)
I'm never going to retire. I intend to be cracking jokes on my way to the grave.