Dáil Sketch:Centres of excellence. Damn hard places to establish. Almost impossible to find in Ireland today, writes Miriam Lord
But there is one shining example. Thankfully, it hasn't gone unnoticed by the Review Body on Higher Remuneration in the Public Sector, which awarded it a lavish pay increase the other week.
For the benefit of the unenlightened few who for some inexplicable reason remain blind to the existence of this paragon, that centre of excellence is otherwise known as the Government, run by Bertie Ahern and his Ministers.
In the Dáil chamber, they are the Bisto Kids who sit to the left of the Ceann Comhairle, occupying the front-row seats and smelling strongly of gravy. They are the very epitome of efficiency, the essence of achievement, the epicentre of excellence.
Truly, they deserve to be the highest-paid politicians in the western world today.
Curiously, though very secure and confident of their collective excellence, Bertie and his Ministers seem to flounder when called upon to demonstrate it.
Yesterday, we had another depressing example of how these superior individuals constantly hide their light under a bushel. Held back by a crippling tendency to temper excellence with modesty, they have difficulty making decisions. So instead, they hire outside experts to do this for them.
Nowhere is this shortcoming more apparent than in the area of the health service.
The subject up for discussion was centres of excellence - a topic with which the Taoiseach should have been conversant, given that he is a handsomely remunerated member of one.
During Leaders Questions, however, Bertie completely disproved the adage that "it takes one to know one". Despite all its trying, he admitted his Government has been unable to establish the medical centres of excellence it has been talking about for the best part of a decade. Never mind. They're going to be taking a good run at the problem now, and with a fair wind and a new outside expert, the situation should be turned around in two or three years.
Bertie likes to take a detached overview of the health service as he explores his administration's latest attempts at tinkering with it. Every so often, though, reality intrudes.
Yesterday, it was the terrible, terribly real case of women in Portlaoise, who were found to have breast cancer despite getting the all-clear months earlier following mammograms in their local hospital.
It is the Government's hope that these dreadful mistakes will not be repeated when they establish eight centres of excellence for cancer treatment around the country. They aren't there yet but existing services are shutting down in anticipation.
It's all a bit of a mess. Bertie's first great white hope, HSE boss Prof Brendan Drumm, hasn't been able to sort it out. Never mind, soothed the Taoiseach. A new great white hope has been found by the Government. He is Prof Tom Keane, an Irish-born cancer specialist currently working in British Columbia.
He's the man to sort out the system, said Bertie. No disrespect to Prof Tom, but the Opposition wasn't carried away with optimism at this news. Been there, heard that, not buying it from the Taoiseach.
As Eamon Gilmore put it: "you're speaking like a man heading the Government for the last 10 weeks, not for the last 10 years."
Bertie sounded fed up. "We should get a level of co-operation here. If you want to politicise it, we can politicise it." The Taoiseach's having a hard time of it these days. In particular, his personal popularity rating in the recent opinion poll seems to be playing on his mind.
Does nobody understand? Why don't the people see any more? Thank heavens for the Review Body on Higher Remuneration in the Public Service. At least they recognise excellence when they see it.