The new shop in downtown Bethesda, Maryland, has a Starbucks look to it. "Three Dog Bakery", the sign says. Trays of colourful, and pricey, hand-made cakes and biscuits fill the window. The notice says they do mail and bulk orders too. Inside, the statutory Starbucks couple of comfortable armchairs to flop into, red-tiled floor, dark walls, and muted light.
Just another new cafΘ at three bucks a latte? Nope. Three Dog is for dogs. Upmarket, stylish suburban dogs with three-car family owners and gourmet tastes. Dogs, probably with health insurance and personal walker. And why not personalised birthday cakes? Some 60 per cent of US households - 58 million - have one or more pets, and there are an estimated 53 million dogs in the country.
Companions mostly, but also guards, homeless strays, death row inmates of shelters, subjects of experiments...
Collectively they bite more than 4.7 million people a year, 60 per cent of the victims are children. And kill on average 12.
And yet this, the richest country in the world, will do anything for them. Americans will spend this year $28 billion on their pets, between food, toys, and visits to the vet. That's up $11 billion since 1994, nearly one-and-a-quarter times the entire US international budget for this year, nearly one-and-a-half times the US contribution to the global elimination of AIDS.
Put another way, the average American will this year spend five times as much on pets as Sub-Saharan Africa receives per capita in aid.
Dogs in the US get braces for their teeth and anti-depressants from their therapists. They are groomed like starlets, dressed to kill, fed to explode, pampered beyond belief. They may attend the church of their owners. And at the end of their days, they are buried in tombs or, digitally, in virtual graveyards.
Now they are even getting rights.
The attachment of owners to their pooches is remarkable. One survey found that three-quarters of pet owners looked on them as akin to children, and in another, nearly half the women surveyed said they relied more on their dogs and cats for affection than their husbands.
(But this is the consumer society and pet divorce is cheap - hence the two million plus in shelters, where over half of the animals are put to sleep each year).
A poll by the American Animal Hospital Association found that two-thirds of pet owners prepare special food for their animals; 44 per cent buy souvenirs for pets when they go away on holiday; 36 per cent of owners admit to talking to their pets on the phone, and 75 per cent say they are willing to go into debt for them.
Priorities are plain to see. In Seattle recently, four times as many people turned up at a public meeting about pets in the park as did on the same night to question candidates for the posts of superintendents of local schools.
And in San Francisco at a public hearing on dog controls, a couple who wanted to warn of the dangers to children had to be protected by police from a mob of 500 chanting "no leashes, no leashes".
No expense is spared in this country's anthropomorphic excess. Take shopping online: at ragdog.com, the more formal wear, say a pink tutu or a bridal outfit, will cost you $50, while a plaid shirt or rain poncho is available for $30.
But for the really fashion-conscious, there's always Fifi &Romeo's, in LA of course, where matching designer wear for dog and owner is available. Mind you, the store specialises in the smaller breeds - shopping for the well-proportioned is such a bitch, don't you find? Prices for sweaters start at $125. But, according to the Los Angles Times, the shop has been graced by such as Backstreet Boy Brian Litrell, actresses Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz, Oprah Winfrey and even Prince Charles.
There's pedigree.
DogsRUs sells gift baskets, while a rival company recently advertised a novel Mothers' Day present: "Animal-loving, artistic Mom will be doubly delighted at seeing a portrait of her pet, done in the style of Warhol or Van Gogh. Photos are printed on textured canvas, then framed. Van Gogh-style: $180; Warhol-style: $225."
Should you have to leave your dog for a few days, the trauma can be eased for the poor fellow at Paradise Ranch in California. No cages here. A full-size bed in a real bedroom, in a large house on an estate with gardens, patios, fountains and pools.
All for Fido.
And if he finds sleeping alone without you a bit difficult, you can pay a real person to cuddle up with him overnight, "a body buddy".
Joyce Mills is one of those who volunteers "because I knew it would help the dogs. Sometimes I would curl up with three or four of them on the bed." Her only regret: that her own Chihuahuas miss her.
Then there's veterinary care. In a country where 43 million people are unable to afford health insurance, over 500,000 dogs are signed up and numbers are going up 60 per cent a year. One firm has even started issuing policies for pet rabbits.
With rates dependent on the size of your dog, the industry estimates the average bill at $200 a head - fine if your dog has no companions, but a litter of St Bernards could send your credit card into overdrive.
Animal blood banks have opened to supply thriving surgical practices, from cosmetic surgery to kidney transplants, which would put some services to the human poor to shame.
It comes at a price, however, and those killjoys from the Animal Control and Welfare Commission of San Francisco have asked for a complete ban on the cosmetic stuff. It ranges from de-clawing cats to severing a dog's vocal chords to silence its bark. Cropping tails and ears, which some breeders do to purebreds to increase their chances in competitive pet shows, came in for particular scorn.
California is also the home to a new business aimed at helping the loving owner cope with bereavement. Irene Panos loves animals and four years ago she got an idea. When her cat, Jam-Jam, passed away, Panos decided to keep the pet's memory alive. She put the urn of her pet's ashes inside a stuffed toy animal. Her friend, Shelly Rossmore, suggested that many pet lovers could benefit from this idea and the two set up Berkeley-based Huggable Memories.
Each stuffed bear comes adorned with a bracelet named for the deceased pet. There are bears dressed in pink for girl pets, and bears dressed in blue for boy animals.
But supposing you could actually have your dead dog back? A scientist in New Orleans who has cloned other animals is now offering the possibility to pet owners in Wisconsin. Brett Reggio, a Ph.D student at Louisiana State University, who has successfully cloned a goat five times, has started a business called Lazaron.