WE ALL EXPERIENCE good and bad times in our lives. This is what living is about, and how we cope with each situation is the key to our mental and emotional well being.

When the bad times come, we can pretend to the outside world that all is well with us - and we can refuse to acknowledge our need for understanding, comfort and support.

We can refuse to accept that it is healthy to share with others and seek or accept support if necessary. We can deny our feelings and emotions and take comfort in some escape, tie ourselves up in work or in a hobby. We may even choose to stay on our own with our bad feelings and accept the stress.

What kind of role models are we for our children if we behave and respond to situations in this way? What type of messages do we give them about sharing with others and helping one another to work through situations? Are we depriving them of the human contact which we all need in order to be happy and enjoy life?

It is important to remember and to show our children that there is care, support and affection available if we are open enough to ask for it - or to accept if it is offered. People are there for us if they notice that we are going through a bad time. They can also be there for us, to share with us and to listen to us if we ask them.

The capacity to communicate our feelings to others opens up the possibilities of our needs being acknowledged, understood and met through a healthy sharing process. We are effectively admitting our need and our desire to be listened to and supported, to not remain on our own with our uncomfortable feelings.

In some communities and families the ethos can be "big boys don't cry" or "you can't show your feelings, particularly sad or upset feelings, as they are a sign of weakness". In this situation children have to suppress their feelings and leave them buried in themselves. It is shameful for them and a sign of weakness to admit to their feelings and seek support.

They will be forced to carry a heavy burden of pain and hurt by adults. They will develop inappropriate fixed ways of responding to new situations, have their growth as people stunted and lose much of the joy, diversity and vitality of life. They will not be able to recognise that they need to share with people who can understand them and who can hear, them let go of their hurt and distress.

On many occasions I have come in contact with children who were being bullied, or being regularly hurt by what was being said to them or about them by family members or others. They were all distressed to different degrees by what was happening in their lives, but they had learned to deny or hide their feelings so completely to others that they could not seek advice or help. They had learned to accept and tolerate distressing and often humiliating treatment from others as normal in order to save face with their families, and communities.

These traumatic situations were only uncovered by alert, sensitive and watchful teachers, or by other children's parents. Then the process was begun to help the children recognise the damage being inflicted on them - and to start assisting them, in co operation with their parents, in re building their lives.

It took time and skilled support to impress on them that they were not showing weakness or inadequacy by asking for help when they felt uncomfortable with the way they were being treated by others. The messages they were given about their feelings had to change if they were to grow and move on in life.

HOW PARENTS express and show their own feelings has a profound effect on their children. Conditioning by parents runs deep. We parent well in our families by having open, loving, tolerant and, caring relationships.

As parents we have to be able to ask and receive, as well as give. This can be difficult for some of us, as we are so used to meeting other people's needs.

Children who have been given the scope and the freedom and learned from their parents that it is healthy and good to unload their feelings are very likely to be happy at home, in school and with their peers. They will develop flexible, accommodating and confident attitudes. They will have the capacity to learn from their good and bad experiences, and keep unnecessary stress to a minimum.

If we open doors for our children and leave them open they, in turn, will open doors for others. They will live comfortably and feel okay about themselves and others, whatever the situation.