Talking with your child is not the same as talking at him, writesTony Humphreys

Talking with children is an important part of parenting and it is not a skill that parents automatically possess. Many parents do talk to children in a friendly way, but, nonetheless, what the child experiences is a sermon. There are some parents who talk at children and children experience this as threatening them having a voice of their own.

Talking at children involves telling them what to think, say and do, expressing a demand for obedience and expecting conformity to a parent's own view of the world. Talking with children involves the parent and the child looking at ideas together and problem-solving together.

Communication difficulties between parents and children can come to a head during the teenage years, and earlier patterns of family communication will determine the extent of the problem. Central to effective communication is the parent's ability to respect the child, even when he disagrees with the child.

Parents would do well to remember that a child has a mind of his own. This is not to say that parents do not have the right to influence their children, but influencing and forcing are very different experiences. Influencing is where the parent expresses their own views, beliefs, needs, preferences as a message about themselves, controlling or forcing is where the parent attempts to impose their ways on children.

Parents need to be willing to accept that there is more than one point of view. Finding out what children think about situations is not difficult because young children are so very free in expressing themselves. However, if parents are impatient or critical, children quickly learn not to expose themselves to such threatening experiences. And slowly but surely, parents inadvertently close the door to communication.

If, on the other hand, parents spontaneously listen and value a child's ideas, examine them with her and explore with her the possible outcomes. Children then have a sense that their parents are interested in their ideas and are willing to help them solves any difficulties they encounter in life.

One of the major blocks to effective communication is the parent's notion that they know what is "right" for their child. This creates inequality in the relationship. It also prevents the child finding out for himself the usefulness of his ideas.

"Jane you know it is wrong to hit your sister. Shame on you. You know you must love and be kind to your sister. After all, you are her big sister." Such moralising is an example of talking at a child and gives no opportunity for the child to express what had led to the aggression or how she can learn from it.

Talking with the child involves a statement such as: "Jane, I would like to know what led you to hit your sister?". "She keeps getting in my way, what else could I do but push her out of the way?" "Well, I hear your frustration, but how about looking at other ways of dealing with your sister's difficult behaviour?" A discussion is now possible.

Parents need to be open to admitting that there is more than one viewpoint. Parents need to be sensitive to the child's self-esteem when they discover that their child views things differently. If parents say anything which puts the child down, embarrasses or humiliates him, then healthy communication has ceased.

Certainly, a parent can say: "I see it differently, but you have the right to see things your way. Let's watch and see how things work out". This response equalises the situation and there can be progress.

If parents wish their children to broaden their viewpoints, they need to create the opportunities for them to see that another way might work better. Most of all, they need to include their children as partners in the difficult task of creating family harmony.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family, Live It and Leave It