Yes you should intervene if one child is harming the other, writes Tony Humphreys

'For heaven's sake, stop that fighting. You're driving me crazy," the parent yells from another room. "Michael won't let me watch my programme," James shouts back. "I never get to watch what I want to watch," Michael roars in turn.

How many times do parents encounter the above or a similar situation, attempt to settle the dispute and end up not pleasing anyone?

Of course, parents feel upset and deep concern about the ceaseless fighting that can go on between siblings. They love each child, and it hurts to see the children you love hate and hurt each other. A great deal of parenting energy goes into settling fights and attempting to get children to get along together.

Recently, I was somewhat dismayed to read a psychologist's recommendation that parents should stay out of children's fights, even where there is physical violence, and major emotional and social lessening of each other's presence. Certainly, it is important to support children to resolve the difficulties between them, but where there are differences in age, size and gender, a fair resolution is less likely to result.

Parents are the family architects and it is their responsibility to ensure that differences between children do not escalate into physical, emotional and social hurting of each other.

It is inevitable, in every family, that differences emerge between children and I am not suggesting that parents impose solutions, as this deprives children of the opportunity to learn to solve problems. Resolving conflict is an essential life skill and the earlier it is learned the better. However, parents can only pass on the skills they have.

Furthermore, the most powerful way for parents to teach children to resolve their differences without hurting each other is to do so between themselves. When children witness parents in conflict, shouting or hitting each other or engaging in sulking and silent treatment, they are likely to repeat these darkening ways of getting their own way. The opposite is also true - when children witness parents resolving their differences with respect, active listening and fairness, they are likely to repeat these mature processes.

Most fights between children are about a competition of needs, for example, each wants to watch a different programme. Certainly, it is not the business of parents to decide which child does what when there is disagreement between them. However, it is the responsibility of parents to ensure that certain ground rules are followed during the negotiation that is required for the children in dispute to resolve their differences.

Ground rules are there to protect the dignity of each person in the family (and that includes parents). Essential ground rules are: no hitting, no shouting, no threatening, no silent treatment and no labelling. Any of these responses can demean the presence of the person at the receiving end of them. Each person in the family needs to be treated with respect and communication between parent and parent, parent and child and child and child needs to consistently reflect this family value.

When ground rules are broken by children in their fights, it is crucial that parents step in and strongly remind the children that differences between them do not even remotely merit disrespect for each other. When a child does not respond to the request of the parent to desist from the demeaning behaviour, then some sanction is needed to bring home to the child perpetrating the physical or emotional or social violation of his or her sibling that such behaviour is not tolerated in this family. The purpose of the sanction (for example, loss of privilege) is to give sanctuary to the child whose right to respect has been violated.

Such an intervention by a parent is not an attempt to "fix" the problem existing between the fighting pair, but an assertion of the sacredness of each person in the family.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist