`The amount of affection or anything else you get in my family depends on how well you do in school, at exams or in sport. It is so unfair."
The 17-year-old girl who said this to me some years ago was part of a very stable family, where material needs were more than adequately taken care of, and the parents wanted and strived for the best for their children. The parents wanted the children to achieve academically and to succeed in life - and to all outside appearances, they were excellent parents.
When I visited the family home I was brought into the sitting room. There were many photographs showing all of the family as young children, and as the children grew up there were more and more photographs of prize-givings, conferrings and celebrations of success. The parents accompanying their "high achievers" beamed with pride as they looked out at us from behind the glass frames.
Even though she was present, the parents spoke effusively and enthusiastically about the achievements of the other members of the family. When I pointed to the girl in an Order of Malta uniform, they immediately told me that she had received a certificate for her work in the order, but now she was no longer part of it because she was getting extra tuition to try and get a "decent" Leaving Certificate.
I was aware of the girl's abilities in the area of first aid, her work as a make-up artist in school dramas, her love and knowledge of animals and her willingness to help others. She had many qualities, talents and abilities which made her a very well-liked and productive member of the school community. Yet where she most needed recognition, within her family, she was considered a "failure". Her parents were drawn by society's version of success and they were blind to the warmth, talents and uniqueness of their daughter. They could not see her need to be loved and respected - and she felt repressed, depressed and afraid to express her feelings.
As parents, any of us can fall into this trap of driving our children to meet our own expectations. It may be a huge disappointment to us if our child is not achieving, does not appear to be trying, or even opts out of school and college. However, it does not warrant allowing the conversation between us to stop and the relationship to break down. It does not make sense to allow our relationship with our children to be coloured by projections about a gloomy future, where all we can foresee is trouble and failure.
Over the last 30 years I have dealt with many parents who were almost in despair about their children's achievements, attitudes and behaviour. However, the good news is that in almost all cases where parents stood by their children, supported them, encouraged them, explained and modelled their own standards of behaviour and refused to lose faith in them, there was success. While the children did not become what parents might have hoped for, they did succeed - and found a life that suited them. It was trying, difficult, and at times heartbreaking, but it worked.
We must have faith in our children, keep the lines of communication open and keep the love flowing in all circumstances. Anger, fear or coercion have no part to play. They need our support in finding a meaning, purpose and happiness in life. If our reaction to them drives them away from us, we will all suffer and lose.
It is difficult at times, but I think as parents we have to be able to say: "I have done my best. Now you can go right ahead and learn from your mistakes. I will be there to support you to become the kind of person you want to become. "I have my own standards which are good for me, and I intend sticking by them. I cannot run your life for you. You need your hopes, expectations and dreams. You need to be able to grow and accept life as it is served out to you. "You have a right to feel good about yourself, and I hope I can help you connect more with the world. If you need me, I'll be there for you."
