There is only one kind of love and that is unconditional love. Unconditional love corresponds to the deepest longing not only of children, but of every adult. However, such non-possessive warmth is rare. When we say we have been loving it is important to check what we mean by such a declaration. Many parents who bring distressed children and adolescents for help claim angrily: "We have done everything for them."

But this can be a protective illusion, as in reality these parents, albeit unwittingly, have been cross, irritable, judgmental or projected their own needs and ways onto their children. Or they have been addicted to work or perfectionism, have deep fears of failure and rejection and are highly concerned about how other people view them.

Some of these parents may still remain unhealthily enmeshed with their family of origin to the detriment of their own marriages and nuclear families. Parents can only love children to the extent that they love themselves. Those in the helping professions can only bring their clients to the same level of development they have reached themselves.

Whether parent or psychologist, there is not anyone who does not bring unresolved emotional baggage into their role, and this inevitably limits the expansiveness of the love and care children need for their holistic development. It is possible to evaluate loving in terms of either "not what to do" or "what to do".

Unconditional love ceases when any of the following "not what to do's" is contravened.

Do not be cross

Do not be irritable

Do not label children

Do not withdraw affection because of a misdemeanour

Do not punish failure

Do not over-reward success

Do not project your own life or unmet needs onto children

Do not hit

Do not shout

Do not push

Do not compare

Do not confuse behaviour with a child's sacred person

Do not over-protect

Do not spoil

Do not give in to unreasonable demands

Do not have unrealistic expectations

This list is by no means exhaustive. When parents or other significant adults in children's lives engage in behaviours contrary to the "do nots" it is important to evaluate the frequency, intensity, endurance and duration of these unloving responses.

We all lose control now and again, but once we genuinely apologise, the rift in the relationship is healed and harmony is restored. An excellent index of an unhappy family is one wherein no one ever apologises.

Frequency is a measure of how often does an unloving behaviour occur; intensity has got to do with the severity of the unloving response; endurance is a measure of how long does a particular blow to a child's self-worth last (a minute, five minutes, an hour, a day, etc).

Finally, the duration of the neglectful behaviour is answered by "how long has this neglect being going on?" - weeks, months, years? Clearly, the more frequent, intense, enduring and long-lasting the blocks, the more children have to hide their true selves behind massive defensive walls.

The love relationship is not only broken by the presence of ridicule, scoldings, dismissiveness, physical punishment, etc, but also by the absence of warmth, listening, affection, understanding, tenderness, compassion, fun, support, encouragement and joy. While no overt neglect may occur in some families, the absence of loving can dry up the wellspring of love that resides in every child's heart.

There are children and adults who come for help who talk painfully about always feeling invisible. George Eliot's declaration "I like not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved, the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave" is a wise admonition to us all.

In terms of the "to do's", unconditional love is not only about non-possessive warmth, it also embraces: Keeping person and behaviour separate; affirmation of individuality; celebration of difference; active listening; accepting that each child is unique; belief in vast potential and giftedness; allowing children to be free to be themselves; fostering respect for others provision of opportunities for each child's unique development; creation of definite relationship boundaries; apologising when wrong; helping children to retain their natural curiosity and eagerness to learn; ensuring all learning is positive; standing up for children when their wellbeing is threatened (in home, school, community); understanding; compassion; patience; positive firmness.

Parenting involves a level of self-sacrificing that no other profession demands and yet, in spite of their best intentions, some parents find themselves floundering in their caring of children. What these parents often fail to see is that all parenting starts with self and it is the nature of their relationship with self that determines their relationship with their children.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family-Love It and Leave It