`It's the deal you do because you can't help out with football, or swimming, or give lifts home on a rainy day," says Catherine, a little wearily.
"The weekends are filled with children, with bringing the kids and their friends out, with activities, with sleep-overs. But it can be quite one-sided - my daughter's only been back once to the house of one child who's now a regular visitor to our house. "Or I offer my full-time childminder in compensation, saying to another mother, `why don't you drop so-and-so around, she'll be there all afternoon' Some mothers exploit this, and drop the whole family around, or come back to collect their child three hours late, without apologising, or even saying thank-you to my minder. "Then you end up having to apologise to your minder yourself, or paying extra, or giving her time off. But of course I would never say anything about that, I'd always ring and thank mothers who do things for my kids that I can't do because I'm at work all day. "There is that extra edge in the relationship, and huge preconceptions on both sides. Jealousy too, because a lot of the time, I'd like to have their lives.
"No, I don't think that mothers full-time in the home resent the fact that I've got an interesting job - I think the inferiority complex is on the side of the mum working full-time outside the home. "In the end, the full-time mothers have the children on their side. They know they've done `the right thing', don't worry that their child will turn into a psychopath by the time they're 17 because they went out to work." You don't have to be a right wing anti-feminist to acknowledge that the relationship between mothers working in the home and mothers with jobs outside the home can be complex, as Catherine's experience shows. The blunt truth is that most parents working outside the home rely, at least occasionally, on full-time mums for back-up support.
No matter how good your childcare arrangements are - whether you have an au pair, full-time nanny, childminder outside the home - there comes a time when you need someone else's help, particularly after your child starts primary school. Who will bring your child to and from a party after school? What if your child begs to join Brownies/play football/do tap dancing/junior karate after school? Who will mind them when the school announces a sudden half-day? Help you out when you're between childminders? What about the school run? Even the best childminding arrangements may not cover every eventuality. So sooner or later, unless she is lucky enough to have family back-up - a granny or auntie willing and able to step in - the mother working outside the home will find herself ringing a neighbour or fellow mother, asking for help. (Although these problems arise where both parents work, it is generally women who end up making the arrangements and figuring out the social niceties involved.) "Yes, the phone call will always come," says Marie, a mother who left a good career to stay at home with her children full-time. And all things being equal, she's perfectly happy to help out, would do anything for anybody.
"But there are times when I have been made to feel taken advantage of. I've sometimes turned to my husband and asked `Do I have "doormat" written on my face?' But I have a choice: if I feel I'm being put upon, I'll make an excuse and say I'm not available. They'll find someone - they always do. Another mother resented being used by a near-neighbour as an unpaid back-up childminder: this woman would regularly collect her kids from her childminder, then send them to her neighbour's house to play while she got the dinner ready, and just as regularly, would beg her neighbour to mind them for an hour here, an hour there - with no reciprocation. The thing that full-time mothers resent most is being taken for granted, exploited - the implied "Well, what else is she doing?" The reciprocation does not need to be major - but mothers with jobs should be wary about offering their childminder's services, even if their nanny or au pair is happy to take on other children. One full-time mother who had collected a child for a party was taken aback when the girl's mother rang to thank her and added: "Look, if there's anything I can do, if you want your daughter collected from school, just ring me and I'll get the au pair to pick her up." "Yes, I think that's a bit much, to expect her au pair to do that. Did she really expect me to say yes?"
Marie agrees: "I'd be very wary of my child going to play with a child being minded by an au pair or minder, I wouldn't approve - I don't think it's fair on the childminder either." This is obviously tricky territory: after all, a refusal is an implied criticism of the offering mother, who trusts her minder enough to leave her own children in her full-time care - and might not understand why another parent won't leave her child for just an afternoon. But if a woman wants to make an arrangement, say, for a regular lift to or from an after-school activity, a woman like Marie would be quite open to it "as long as it suited my own children. They're my priority, after, all - they're why I chose to stay at home full-time in the first place."
One key problem with the relationship is that in the end, it's all one-sided: those of us who work outside the home need mothers full-time in the home - but they don't need us. Mixed up with this is the residual guilt that many mothers working outside the home still feel. But they should be slow to conclude that full-time-in-the-home mothers feel either critical or superior to their sisters with jobs. Marie says she understands why many women choose to work outside the home (and acknowledges that some women simply don't have a choice). "I've come to the conclusion now that if a mother's happy, there'll be a happy environment in the home. Some mothers couldn't bear to be at home full-time, and if they go out to work, they should be happy with that decision, and not feel guilty." She provides regular back-up for her sister, one of those women "who went mad, staying at home, She's happier working. But she never takes me for granted, either."
Marie also believes that there is greater appreciation now for the work that full-time mothers do than when she gave up her job to be with her first baby. "People don't assume you're brain-dead. I know that a lot of my colleagues - who stayed at work after having babies - thought I was mad when I left work. Now, some of them are doing the same because they realise what an awful struggle it can be, trying to juggle work and children. In some ways it's even harder when the children are at school than when they're babies." What's obvious from talking to mothers working outside and inside the home is that there is little straight-talking between us. Marie is "not available" because she would hate to confront a woman who she thought was taking advantage. Many mothers with jobs may over-compensate needlessly, because they feel they are always under an obligation to the mother working full-time in the home. Perhaps if those with jobs were to ask straight out: what's the most practical way I can say thank-you for your support? If, like me, you're lucky enough to have one mother who is always there in times of need, you can never say thank-you enough.
