Has your child ever said that to you? If so, then relax. There are very few children who have not said that to their parents at one time or another. Indeed, it is a sure sign of secure children who have no trouble expressing themselves. What the child is probably saying is: "I want to get my own way and at the moment you are not giving that to me." Parents have debated about the best response. Some respond: "Well, I love you." Others say: "The feeling is mutual!" Still others just ignore it. My own advice would be to go with the third option - and make sure to give the attention when the child is behaving well. If you respond by becoming upset or by providing that extra bit of TLC, the child is likely to repeat the same stunt whenever things are not going to his or her liking. It is important to develop effective communication strategies with your children - and this also includes the ability not to respond to certain comments from your child.

Good communication is the cornerstone of effective parenting. At its most basic, it means getting down on the floor with your younger children and doing whatever your child likes to do and talking about whatever your child likes to talk about. With older children, it means developing the ability to listen. There are different ways in which parents communicate - some of which do not work. The authoritarian approach is as ineffective as it is familiar. "Because I said so" or "don't do what I do, do as I say" is simply not good enough any more. The permissive approach is equally ineffective. The "anything for a bit of peace" approach will provide anything but a bit of peace! It actually teaches a child that if you create enough of a rumpus you will eventually get what you want.

With younger children, the most effective means of communicating is to literally get down to their level. Alternatively, pick the child up or sit him or her on your lap. When chatting with the child, use simple language and speak slowly; avoid being long-winded. In particular, make sure you are a good listener. That is the essence of being able to communicate effectively. One of the mistakes parents make when communicating with their children is that the majority of their interactions take the form of threats. "If you hit your sister one more time, I'll take the legs off you." "If there is any messing in the restaurant, you will be brought straight back home." These are among the many types of threats that parents issue with great regularity. What's missing is what the child is supposed to do correctly. Parents are inclined to issue warnings about what the child is not to do without giving clear instructions as to what behaviour they would like to see. It is a subtle difference, but one which is essential to recognise. For example, if you are going to the supermarket it is helpful to explain to the children what behaviour you expect from them while there. Rather than "If there is any carrying-on there will be no sweets", a better preparation would be "I will be buying sweets for anyone who is helpful at the supermarket". You can go on to explain what `help' entails. Letting children know what is happening in advance of any event, outing or happening is a most effective means of communication. Clearly describing the behaviour you expect from them will pay even further dividends.

Listening skills are required at an even greater level as the child gets older. This means more than just lending an ear. Sometimes teenagers may be too embarrassed to express their feelings, so it is important that parents convey an unconditional respect for whatever the teenager is saying.

Avoid unnecessary criticism, as life is terribly serious for teenagers trying to adjust to world with which they seem to feel permanently ill at ease. All ideas for world peace and saving the planet should be treated with respect. If they are not, the teenager may not seek further discourse on other topics. This does not mean that parents have to compromise their own values and principles. On the contrary, it is essential that the teenager understand exactly where you are coming from. It is unnecessary and ineffective to be a "trendy" parent. The best way to communicate is by using "I" statements: "I feel that . . ." or "In my opinion . . ." are a lot less inflammatory than "The way it is . . ." or "Don't tell me you believe that rubbish about . . ." Being non-judgmental is the key to effectively communicating with an older child or teen. In addition, it is perfectly acceptable to disclose your personal feelings on an issue. Telling your child that it is upsetting for you when he or she throws a tantrum or that you are worried when your teen is out on the town for the evening is a worthwhile approach. You will often find that they will respond to your openness and honesty. Writing a "contract" can also facilitate clear communication . This may sound somewhat mechanical, but it certainly eliminates any ambiguity when it comes to issues such as pocket money or curfews.

However, listening is not the preserve of parents. Children and teens need to learn to listen also - parents tire of being told how stupid they are all the time. It is useful for parents and children to discuss good listening skills at times when there are no contentious issues on the agenda. There are family board games which actually promote good listening skills and one of these would be a worthwhile investment.

And finally, the importance of communication needs to be emphasised well beyond the parent-child relationship. Open channels of communication also need to be established and maintained between parents, with your child's teacher, with other parents and with relatives. It is the absence of effective communication which causes so many of the headaches of parenting.