BRITAIN: "The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."
Some Barkerisms:
"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."
"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
"Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes' silence."
"This kitchen appliance completely replaces the milkman, unless you're the woman at 14 Catbury Drive with the green door."
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956?
"His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.'
"I don't know," the general replied, "it's only 20.27 now.' "
Ronnie Corbett, as an ironmonger: "There you are, four candles."
Ronnie Barker, the customer: "No, fork 'andles. 'Andles for forks!"
As a prisoner in Porridge: "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down."
"The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."