Miriam Lordgives thanks that the political parties' travelling tink-in shows are over for another year
THE TRAVELLING tink-in shows are over for another year, ending with happy Greens bagging themselves photo-opportunities on the streets of Tralee and an incandescent George Hook taking The Irish Timesto task for a spot of argy-bargy in the sketch-writing lineout.
So first, we begin with a mansize apology to the rugby pundit for inaccurately reporting in yesterday's newspaper that he was paid a handsome fee to travel to Limerick and tell Fine Gael that they are a bunch of losers.
Hooky did it for free.
Ditto Fianna Fáil, when he addressed their tink-in a number of years ago and described Mary Harney's departure from FF to the PDs as a unique example of a rat joining a sinking ship.
No charge there either for the benefit of his wisdom.
George may be listed on the bulging books of "PS, Personally Speaking - Ireland's Premier Speaker Bureau," an agency which says it can provide inspirational and motivational speakers to suit all audiences, budgets and goals, but he doles out bon mots to political parties on a pro bonobasis. As he tartly informed us in the foyer of the Fels Point Hotel yesterday morning, he never bills a political party for a speaking engagement.
Happy as we are to set the record straight and commend Hooky's support of the democratic process, we can't help thinking that Fine Gael missed out on a fundraising opportunity by inviting him along.
There are a lot of people who would pay good money for the chance to stand up in front of the FG parliamentary party and call them losers. Indeed, it's a wonder Fianna Fáil haven't already cottoned on to this potentially lucrative revenue stream.
Insult the Government to its face? Punters, pundits and windbags everywhere would be queuing up with their chequebooks open.
It would be hard to insult the Greens, though, because they're so nice. Like all the other parties, they said they had a very useful tink-in and got lots of important business done. Nothing that necessitated a trip to Kerry, but at least the backdrop for the photographs was different.
Party leader John Gormley set out on a walkabout in Tralee town centre with his fellow Oireachtas members, assorted local councillors, media pack and the just Hooked and trembling representative from The Irish Times.
He led his band of Greens past a row of houses into a park, and then into a graveyard. He emerged into Castle Street with his bewildered entourage and headed into a bookies shop. For the benefit of the cameras, John managed to place €20 on Kerry to win the Sam Maguire tomorrow after the girl behind the counter showed him what to do.
A seasoned student of the turf, who had been waiting at the counter to place his bet while John dithered with his €20 note, rolled his eyes. "Aaaw for f*** sake," he snorted.
Then, in a manoeuvre which shows he's learned something from his time in Government with FF, he went into a sports shop and pulled on a Kerry jersey over his shirt. "It's a bit tight," he puffed doubtfully, trying unsuccessfully to hide his cufflinks.
"Yerra no, it's lovely and schnug on ya," came the diplomatically sympathetic reply from a local activist.
A football was produced. John held it like it was a Christmas pudding and it was time to ignite the brandy. A Tyrone flag was introduced, in the interests of balance, but none of the Kerry people would lay a hand on it, so party advisers had to hold it up.
John kicked the ball. "C'mon Mayo," shouted one of the Greens.
"Yer man wouldn't know a hurley from a hockey stick," sniggered a passing shopper.
The little tour finished in an organic vegetable shop. Party workers must have been up all night painting the muck on the carrots. The woman behind the counter, wearing a T-shirt proclaiming: "Green is the New Black", gave John a peach.
"It's lovely and sweet. Organic," he said, holding up the half chewed fruit. "Would you like a bite?" One final press briefing was held. The Minister showed he is as concerned as the other party leaders by offering to take in any abandoned PDs who might wash up on Green shores. "Members of the PDs who are looking for a home will find a very good home in the Green Party," he said.
(Wisely, he omitted to mention that they'll have to be neutered and microchipped first.)