The Bigger Picture:It makes sense that we would have several close, committed relationships throughout our lives. And yet, given the way we are encouraged and directed towards only one in particular - the long-term spouse/partnership - at some point it helps to understand what makes this relationship different from the others.
Ironically, the first thing that makes it specifically different is our expectation. I say it is ironic because it is also the one thing we rarely discuss with each other when establishing these relationships. It is so assumed that we "should be " and "would be" in these long-term relationships we rarely think about on what terms this relationship would flourish best, support us most, strengthen and continue to survive.
Whether we acknowledge them or not, there are many things we truly expect from our closest relationship. Nevertheless, the things I suspect we want most of all - more than common perspective, companionship and interests - are safety and closeness.
If we are allowed to have only one truly close relationship, we want it to be the one in which we can be the closest and feel the safest. This is meant to be our point of refuge in the world: the one place we get to stop fighting, stop defending ourselves, and rest, knowing we are safe. Tragic then, how often it tends to descend into the one place we fight most of all.
More than it being unrealistic expectations for closeness, it is unaware expectations that cause us to struggle. We really can't be unrealistic in our imagination of the depths and potential for intimacy and trust, and if we can imagine it, it is reasonable to want to expect it. If we aren't aware of or haven't shared this expectation, however, we can't possibly realise it.
Achieving intimacy requires a practice in opening one's heart and taking risks. It also needs to be reciprocated and so only happens when pursued together with someone who is willing to work as hard. Thus, just having the expectation doesn't make it possible. Sharing the expectation and working equally hard with another builds powerful love.
It makes sense, then, that we clarify our expectations. We need to "agree" to aim for a mutual goal. This kind of love is accessed not so much from what we do for each other (which comes naturally from it) but the growth that occurs within ourselves.
Personal growth is what makes it possible to love more and more deeply. And so, it is not "love me as I am and don't ask me to change" that gains strength, but "I love you deeply and so I want to change".
Our limits restrict our "vision", mostly making it difficult for us to see how connected we are with others. When we are restricted, we are most likely to hurt others, whether noticed or not.
Choosing not to strive beyond our limits demonstrates a hopelessness that is discouraging. On the other hand, it is love that makes it possible to journey past our struggles, and so do what is hard because it is meaningful. Love, always, brings us closer.
It makes sense that we change in our lives. It is part of our growth. It is not our inherent nature that changes - our heart - but our skill, experience, wisdom and strength.
It's true, we can't make someone change. Indeed, that's the wrong agenda. It comes out of a desperation for them to be somewhere else, not trusting or believing they would work towards it themselves. Perhaps they won't. It's their life, after all. If they aren't able to notice their connection to us enough to realise it makes a difference, they probably won't.
The question is: is our path really that dependent on theirs? Is there not more we can do for ourselves?
Sometimes focusing on what we need others to do for us is easier than just doing what we need for ourselves. It is a path fraught with frustration, however.
A deeper love is possible when both parties are willing to each move themselves forward. It requires two independent acts of will. As we each grow within ourselves, we become more and more able to love. Intimacy, trust and connection become more powerful as a result.
After expectation, what makes committed marriages and partnerships unique is usually sex. No matter how "causal" you try to make it, sex is inherently an intimate thing. There are aspects and characteristics of it that are really only unlocked as trust and knowledge of each other deepens. It hurts when we aren't clear and thoughtful about it.
Finally, one of the things that comes from sex is children, and children need security. A key way this security is demonstrated to them is through the core relationships they see around them. What children want most is for their parents to function together, modelling a strong, loving relationship.
If their parents don't manage to stay together, what children need most is for their parents to work together anyway. This is the type of security needed for children to grow. It is our job as adults to model a skill and wisdom around closeness and commitment.
Shalini Sinha works as a life coach and practises the Bowen technique.