Wynneing Ways: Words have the power to change the course of a person's life for good or ill as the quotation "the pen is mightier than the sword" illustrates.
The right words at the right time can encourage and motivate. The wrong words at the wrong time can create devastating emotional scars.
If you ever felt undermined by criticism you have personal experience of the damaging effect of negative language. Critics sound as if they are right and you are wrong.
Their focus is negatives because they have expectations that are not being met. It's hard to measure up when you are judged by unspoken criteria.
A criticism like, "You're always too busy" communicates nothing about the outcome the speaker wants. It's probably untrue to say the person is "always" busy.
The negative impact of an unfair judgment that is heard as criticism cannot be underestimated.
Inaccurate statements damage working relationships and create problems with communication. A person who feels put down by an unfair comment will become protective, and if the issue is not resolved, uncooperative.
Effective communication skills are essential for optimal working relationships. A successful communicator gives clear information and a suggestion that can be acted on.
"You seem to be very busy and I need to talk to you about the report. Can you make time for this please?" is likely to get a positive result. The request clearly states what the person wants.
The positive impact of using words that show respect for the other person when a request is made creates rapport. There is no doubt that the success of any person to-person communication depends on the amount of rapport that exists between the people involved.
In Neuro Linguistic Programming terms rapport is the process of creating and maintaining harmonious relationships. Without rapport management style will be experienced as bureaucratic and the negative effects will be reflected in a tense working atmosphere.
NLP is about increasing people's effectiveness and maximising their potential. A business-person who learns the basic concepts and techniques develops the skills to build good-quality relationships with colleagues and business associates.
The ability to replace criticism by stating clear expectations involves empathy, self-understanding and adaptability. Any change of habit is difficult.
You can learn techniques for developing greater flexibility in the way you respond but it takes constant practice to change a habitual pattern of behaviour.
Recently, I was in the company of a man who was highly critical of Neuro Linguistic Programming. He cited the rift between the founders and used this to criticise me and all practitioners.
He criticised a recent article I wrote on the positive impact of changing the word failure and substituting the concept of feedback. I said this simple change can have a huge impact on self-esteem.
He gave me no opportunity to explain how words can both reflect and shape mental experiences. "Just changing a word could can never work," he said.
"How do you know?" is a useful question to ask in order to open a discussion and find what is behind closed judgmental language. The options for responding to a how question move the focus from the negative - "It could never work" and opens up discussion on other possibilities.
The criticism that is heard as a personal attack is very difficult to challenge. Deep emotional pain can be caused by words that may not be intended to wound but do.
The human mind has amazing potential to give power to words. How you respond to perceived criticism is determined more by how good you feel about yourself than by what is said.
The statement "It could never work" may be heard as a criticism, truth or a put-down depending on who says them to whom.
Criticism loses its power to wound when you have the self-awareness to understand what you are feeling, why and what caused the feelings.
Reality testing, a component of emotional intelligence, involves seeking for objective evidence to confirm, justify and support feelings, perceptions and thoughts.
It is not the words of the critic, but your thought processes, what you believe is true, that has the power to build you up or put you down.