'Baby blues' can hit men too

That's men for you: Post-natal depression is a condition which we tend to think of as affecting only the mothers of newborn …

That's men for you: Post-natal depression is a condition which we tend to think of as affecting only the mothers of newborn babies.

But fathers can be affected too. About 10 per cent of women suffer the "baby blues" - a term, by the way, which does not convey what a rotten experience post-natal depression can be.

Estimates of the number of men who experience the baby blues range from about 4-10 per cent. Many of the causes of post-natal depression in men may be the same as in women.

The arrival of a baby, especially of the first baby, turns people's worlds upside down, as any parent will tell you at the drop of a hat.

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How can you possibly be up to the task of rearing this creature that has just appeared in your life?

What will you do if it breaks when you pick it up? Moreover, you now have a family to support. The question of supporting the new family weighs heavily on some men's minds especially if the mother is taking time off paid work.

And there are societal pressures. There is still an assumption out there that women are complete experts on babies from the moment they themselves are born and that men are clumsy, awkward and inept. This may leave both parents scared out of their wits.

The woman may be terrified that she will be unable to live up to the expectation that she be the perfect mother. The man may fear that he will not measure up as even a good parent. Something else has changed too. When the man and the woman got together, through marriage or some other commitment, the two, as the saying goes, became one.

When baby comes along, the one becomes three.

The man may experience, imagine or fear a great change in his relationship with his wife. After all, there is somebody else there now who is getting all the attention. And a new arrival is apt to be more immediately demanding than either of the two people who were there first.

So it's hardly surprising that the birth of a baby can bring on the baby blues in either the mother or the father.

Add to this the fact that the birth of a baby sometimes awakens for the woman the full impact of a previous emotional trauma. This, for instance, could be grief over the death of a parent or over a miscarriage which the person did not deal with fully at the time. That grief can now hit her with full force, for reasons that we do not fully understand.

Does the same thing happen with fathers? We don't really know. If you think you may suffer from post-natal depression and you're a man - the same goes for women - it is very, very important that you go to your GP or a counsellor.

Post-natal depression comes at a bad time. Just when you need your strength to cope with a new and challenging situation, your strength disappears.

Everyone tells you what a wonderful baby you have and you don't know what they are talking about. You are afraid you are losing your mind. Your partner may be trying to help you, as well as coping with the baby, but you neither notice it nor appreciate it. The demands of looking after a baby while you are depressed are very painful and you shouldn't try to handle it on your own.

There is some evidence that post-natal depression, if untreated, can leave the child with certain emotional difficulties such as anxiety or depression in the future.

So it's very important to deal with it. It's also important to deal with it for the sake of your relationship with your partner.

You cannot respond to your partner in a concerned, loving way if you are depressed. Don't be Superman or Superwoman. Go get help.

Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.