The Bigger Picture: A good gauge of someone who will be good to you is someone who is good to themselves. To be good to yourself you have to really believe in yourself.
A relationship between two people who believe in and are committed to themselves as much as they might believe in and be committed to the other, must be very powerful. Here, a real independence is important as it is useless trying to pour one person into you or you into them in the hope that you might actually become the same person.
Doing so simply shifts the balance of their and your empowerment, beginning a spiral of ill health. But loving someone from a solid point in yourself is wonderful.
It's worth taking the time to wonder if you are someone who is good to others. The answer lies not in how socially competent we are or how much we do or give - at least not at first. The answer lies in how much we believe in and are willing to encourage and trust in ourselves. Is there sufficient stock in our own "positive belief" well?
Are we able and willing to be on our own? Not isolated because we like it, or it's easier or we work better this way, but because we love ourselves and we get to spend time in a relationship with ourselves, listening and chatting with ourselves, doing things that replenish (not diminish) our self worth, challenging ourselves, taking stock and making meaningful decisions. Doing what it takes to develop the contentment we need to be good to ourselves and others is essential.
Only someone who believes in themselves can believe in us too. There may be those who really like and admire us, but without self-belief, that admiration will become resentment and criticism. When someone really believes in themselves, believing in you is a wonderful, natural way of being. No other perspective is either as logical or as fun.
And the same goes for you. Believing in yourself is the key to being good to others - the key to being relaxed, encouraging, optimistic and ensuring good relationships. It ought to be the key by which you measure whether someone else will be good in a relationship with you.
How can you believe in yourself? You can start by trusting yourself. Go on, you might as well. There is really no good reason not to. Every individual brings another new idea, perspective and way of doing things. Given the many ways to do any one task, chances are your way is equally as good as anything. Doing things how they make sense to you makes sense!
There's no reason not to believe that your ideas are wonderful and make a valuable contribution to the mix.
Like yourself. You were born wonderful and every way you've grown and developed since then is a tribute. Be delighted with how you do things, how you look, what you want out of life, where you've been and where you would like to go. Whisper loving things into your own ear. There's no need to stop because you've struggled, and every need to notice that you are bigger than that.
Enjoy your individuality when you are with others. When someone does something one way, enjoy it if you like it another. Be unique. Be true to your beliefs and who you like being. Do things that express who you are. Be relaxed about different points of view. There is no real reason why they should threaten or disempower you. Enjoy them. You neither need to convince others of your perspective, nor endorse or adopt theirs. What is useful however, and a real sign of self-belief, is being skilled at learning from the uniqueness of others.
Diverse perspectives have credibility and come from somewhere. Human intelligence does work. Sometimes what we have to learn is more about what happens to human beings and less about the facts of a circumstance. It is wonderful that people see things differently and have different life experiences. Every encounter and subsequent response has brought us on a unique path. We are all in different places - places we can learn about without judgments of better or worse, but with interest for the opportunity to gain insight from another human that has thought and seen differently.
A solid stance in yourself is a great platform from which to grow, evolve or even transform! Challenge and development are the definitions of living. Having a centre of belief, confidence and trust in yourself is essential to ensuring that things stay in motion.
The more solid we are, the more solidity we can spot and attract. Spending time with others who believe in themselves too, is really enjoyable. In developing our own resources and finding others, we can create a world of delight, inspiration and fun - a place of real joy to live in.
Shalini Sinha has worked as a life coach and counsellor. She presents the intercultural programme, Mono, on RTÉ Television. She has a BA in comparative religion and anthropology, and an MA in women's studies.