MEDICAL MATTERS:EAT, DRINK and be merry, for this weekend it's Christmas. As you rush around this week looking for last-minute presents and stockpile more goodies to eat and drink, I thought readers might appreciate a "merry" column this week. So here goes with a Medical Mattersdevoted to the latest humorous stories from the frontline of healthcare.
A dose of black humour goes a long way when it comes to some of our more invasive medical investigations. By all means read the official, sanitised version of bowel preparation for a colonoscopy; however no explanatory leaflet has ever come close to the accuracy of the following from comedian Dave Barry.
“On the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
“In the evening, I took a product called MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
“The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result . . . ’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
“MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative; I don’t want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
“You spend several hours more or less confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.”
Medical terminology is notoriously opaque and would never win a plain English award. I came across these entirely reasonable definitions recently and would like to share them with you:
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean section – A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cauterise – Made eye contact with her.
Dilate – To live long.
Enema – Not a friend.
Fester – Quicker than someone else.
Fibula – A small lie.
Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
Labour pain – Getting hurt at work.
Morbid – A higher offer.
Nitrates – Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
Post operative – A letter carrier.
Recovery room – Place to do upholstery.
Rectum – Nearly killed him.
Secretion – Hiding something.
Seizure – Roman emperor.
Tablet – A small table.
Terminal illness – Getting sick at the airport.
Finally, gastroenterologists of my acquaintance are a fairly serious bunch. It’s probably the effects of performing too many colonoscopies, but their victims (sorry, patients) often report an urge to cheer them up, especially mid-procedure. Here is a selection of reportedly true comments made by patients during the examination:
“Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, Doc?”
“Wow. Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
Stay healthy and have a great Christmas.
mhouston@irishtimes.com