The Bigger Picture:No one is perfect. Occasionally we delay doing things we promise to do. No matter how good our intentions are, when we disappoint others by failing to keep our word, it has an impact on our relationship, writes Carmel Wynne.
How do you deal with procrastinators? Do you challenge or put up with the behaviour?
There is more than semantics involved when we label someone a procrastinator. It's unlikely that we all attach the same meaning to the words we use.
If you don't share my understanding of procrastination, you will read about something different from what I intend to convey.
The New Oxford Dictionary defines "procrastination" as "to delay or postpone something".
There is a world of difference between postponing or delaying a task and failing to get started.
This is the procrastination I mean. To me procrastinators are people who put off taking action until threatened with dire consequences. They are undependable.
Unreliable people who consistently let others down because they fail to do what they promise are rarely made aware of how their untrustworthy behaviour affects others.
If we don't have the confidence to challenge those whose failure to act upsets us, we are enablers. If we swallow our frustrations we're co-responsible for when we feel let down.
It's easier to avoid a row in family situations than to challenge an omission that affects us negatively.
At work some of us have had the experience of being frustrated when the completion date of a project was delayed.
Our reaction to the colleague responsible was influenced by our beliefs regarding who or what caused the delay.
Changing the timescale for achieving an agreed outcome is sometimes necessary if other tasks need to be prioritised. There will be times when it's necessary to postpone the start of a project or delay a meeting.
Being flexible is an attribute of emotional intelligence. When things outside our control go wrong our priorities change. We alter our timescale for completion and this is acceptable.
When people let us down good intentions don't count. Actions are judged by their outcomes.
Procrastinators can't make things right after the event. When we have to change our plans because of procrastination, trust is damaged.
No apology will lessen the heartache of the child whose father lets her down. No treat will wipe out the disappointment. Procrastinators can't make things right after the event.
The expectations we have of our colleagues are based on a whole multitude of presuppositions. If these were discussed, much frustration could be saved.
In our professional relationships we have unspoken rules about what it is acceptable to say and to whom. We make assumptions about people that we rarely check out.
Our expectations of how they might respond stop us challenging unacceptable delays. We know what we would like them to hear but lack the courage to voice our frustrations.
It's foolish to assume that we understand what motivates anyone else. Any hypothesis we create even when it is based on past experience is simply conjecture.
We rarely fully understand our own motivation. Yet we treat our assumptions as if they are proven facts. We make up a story about a procrastinator who puts things off. We create the full scenario based on our expectations of what the person should do and when.
We have real feelings about the perceived failure of someone who doesn't perform to our expected timescale, even when they are not aware of this.
We make up a fantasy about how she thinks, feels and is motivated. We project our beliefs and expectations into this fantasy.
Our emotional reaction is more influenced by how we expect people to be than by how they behave.
Words have an emotional impact. One person's procrastination is another person's postponement. One person's delay is another person's broken commitment.
Those of us who believe we judge others objectively lack emotional awareness. We're fooling ourselves.
Our relationships are affected by the subjective judgments we make about the motivation and intentions of others.
When we brand anyone with a label we give words power that reflect our views.
www.carmelwynne.org
Carmel Wynne is a life skills and business coach and psychotherapist. Shalini Sinha is on leave.