There is a way of making life easier for parents of ADHD sufferers. Kate Holmquist reports
The frustration of dealing with a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can lead parents to screaming, shouting and even violence. Higher rates of separation and divorce among parents of ADHD children are partly due to parents accusing each other of mishandling a disruptive child - especially where manhandling is involved.
"Fathers have an unfair natural advantage," says Dr Tom Phelan, clinical psychologist and creator of 123 Magic, a programme for disciplining children that is popular in the US with parents of ADHD and normal children alike. Fathers' larger physical stature and tendency towards yelling - and even violence - can make their children instantly subued in their presence, he says.
Two-thirds of ADHD sufferers are boys. "These boys tend to think that their fathers walk on water, while they think their mothers walk on something else entirely," says Phelan. "Dad feels he's the better parent because when he comes into the room, the child quietens down instantly. Dad turns to the mother and says, 'See? You're not doing it right!'."
Parents' confidence may be further undermined by feelings of shame and guilt. "There is a feeling in the US that a diagnosis of ADHD is an excuse for bad parenting. This is not the case. The cause of ADHD is genetic. Parents can make it worse, but they cannot cause it. Children with ADHD are subject to prejudice - prejudice being a negative belief in the face of positive evidence."
It's common for therapists to make matters worse by accusing parents of "messing up" their children and convincing them the solution is marital or family therapy, says Phelan, himself the father of a boy with ADHD.
While brief therapy is occasionally useful, the way to dramatically improve children's behaviour is to show them that you are in charge, Phelan says.
Five years ago, Dublin mother Elaine Maguire learned the method at Temple Street Children's Hospital where it is part of the support system for parents of ADHD children and saw her son respond almost instantly.
"It's simple, straightforward and user-friendly. When you're faced with an unruly child whose immediate instinct is to do the opposite of what you say, you don't want a book that is unclear," she says.
Children with ADHD are impulsive. They don't have that split-second of reflection before they do something. By telling the child 'no', then counting one, two, three (over 10 seconds), the child is given power over his behaviour.
"The programme gives my son a split-second to think, 'will I put down that vase or will I lob it out the window?'. When I slowly count one, two, three, it gives him time for his conscience to kick in."
If the child heeds the count, praise is due. If not, punishment must be short and sweet: an immediate time out - one minute for each year of age. Or, as the child gets older, a time out alternative, such as loss of TV for the evening, loss of Playstation for two hours or a monetary fine.
"My son enjoys the row when he doesn't want to do something, so now instead of getting involved in an argument, I remain emotionally detached and ease my own frustration by counting one, two, three. It takes the heat out of the situation," says Elaine.
She has learned to choose her battles. "I tend to ignore minor things, like swearing, because words are his only way of letting off steam sometimes," she says.
After eight "gruesome years" in primary school, Elaine's son is now doing well in secondary school, where the routine of constantly changing classrooms, subjects and teachers appeals to him. "We're so delighted. When you have a child with ADHD, you are so used to disappointments, waiting lists and humiliations [at the hands of
'experts' and prejudiced observers] that when something goes well it's a tremendous lift.
"You can only imagine what it is like for the children to feel so demoralised," she says.
Tonight the ADHD support group, Hadd, will host Dr Phelan's talk, 123 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12, at the Royal Dublin Hotel, O'Connell Street, 7.30pm. Tomorrow
(Wednesday, 25th) night, Dr Phelan will discuss Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go Of Your 13-18 Year Olds, same time, same venue.
Phone Hadd (01-8748349) for tickets.