Heartbeat: Up the airy mountain Down the rushy glen We daren't go a-hunting For fear of little men. "The Fairies" - William Allingham This is a warning to a seriously bad goblin called Hobbs, who is greatly disturbing the tranquillity of our ruling elves. But more about this awful creature later on.
In the meantime, I must tell you children that I am seriously disgruntled. I had dutifully completed my weekly essay for the hard and cruel taskmasters of The Irish Times, when a series of seismic events threatened to rend apart the mists of self-delusion that cover our mystical isle.
First of all came the reappearance of the so-called Colombia Three, who suddenly materialised out of thin air after their birdwatching trip abroad. The rest of us thought this was a poor kind of magic indeed. Apparently the Chief Elf (Bertie) was less than enthusiastic about this particular trick, especially as there was a crowd of people outside this bewitched isle who were ill-mannered enough to expect straight answers to the legitimate question,: "What are you going to do about it?" No, there are no prizes for guessing the answer.
The usual clamour arose over the results of the Leaving Certificate examinations. Exhaustive commentaries on how clever or otherwise the students were and on how they proposed to spend their lives. Apparently you now need to be a genius to gain admittance to medical school. Please don't ask why you need to be so bright to be a doctor. Some malignant person might tell you the truth and shatter your illusions.
We all know that we don't have enough Irish doctors and nurses and that 20 per cent of the doctors trained and 70 per cent of the nurses will have left their professions within five years. We have known this for years. What has been done about it? Very little. But if we're lucky, we might get yet another report. Isn't that wonderful?
Don't expect the political elves to actually do anything. They are thinking and planning, weaving and spinning, a wonderful world where everything is perfect. Yes, I know you can't see it yet, but have patience.
How long, you ask? Well, the usual answer is at least another five years provided the present elves are left undisturbed in their castles or corridors of power. If your mammies and daddies were mad enough to throw them out of course, then all bets would be off and this wonderful world might never materialise. "What do you mean? What have they been doing for the last ten years?" Cosseting the rest of is what they have been doing, you ungrateful little sod.
In any case, you should study hard and try and emulate your older brothers and sisters, who are going to be doctors, nurses, teachers, engineers.
What, you want to be a political elf and share in the crock of gold? I just don't know the answer to that. The points required are obviously so high that they aren't even spoken about. It is of course right and proper that these elves are of such attainment if they are unerringly to lead us to the shining horizon promised religiously every five years. They have little patience and understanding for ordinary folk who just can't see it in the same light.
Does all this make sense to you? To tell you the truth, it doesn't to me either. It strikes me, however, that it is not the teachers or the guards, or the doctors, who have wrecked the services they are supposed to be providing for the rest of us. Maybe it is time we looked hard at the qualifications of those who govern? We know what is required for a trade or profession. We do not know, however, what should be required to run a country. This is an omission we can't afford, as the rest of us stand or fall on judgments made by our leaders. Leading and governing means just that. It means facing up to vested interests when required rather than trying to appease everybody. Above all, it means protecting the weak and vulnerable in our society. This isn't happening for us just now.
Speaking of the ruling elves (the Elves of Destiny), you will remember that last year they all gathered at Inchydoney to renew their magical powers. Some wandering friar gave Chief Elf Bertie a wonderful potion that was to turn all his followers into socialists overnight. While they profess themselves delighted with the results, the rest of us cannot discern even the slightest pink hue.
This brings me back to where I started this article. As the Elves of Destiny park their State broomsticks this year in the Slieve Russell in Cavan, they are faced with the problem of the aforesaid mad goblin Hobbs, who is abroad and stirring up the mob. This malcontent alleges that not only are we "a rip-off culture", but also the blackguard has the audacity to intimate that we are not a low-tax economy. He bases this foul assertion on the fact that everything in this country is taxed in various ways and that we ordinary folk don't seem to derive much benefit.
This awful creature has also upset the Elves of Destiny's chief ally, the (p)Regressive Elves (the p is silent). They are so incensed that they are going to tell his boss on him. Gee Mr Hobbs, maybe you shouldn't tell the truth, you upset too many people. Worst of all, people are believing you and waking up. Maybe you should tell them you were only joking.
We are all born mad, some remain so.
(Waiting for Godot - Samuel Beckett)
Only problem is, us or them?
Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon