That's men for you: There is a question which is used in reality therapy and which is a godsend to people who are trying to improve their relationships.
The question is this: Is what I am about to do going to bring us closer together or push us further apart?
The question is one you should ask yourself, especially in times of conflict.
Of course, it involves recognising that what you do or how you do it affects the relationship you have with your partner.
If you happen to assume that every single thing that's wrong with the relationship is your partner's fault, then you're probably not going to ask that question.
If you think like that, then there's another few questions you need to ask yourself, which I'll come to later.
This question - is what I am about to do going to bring us closer together or push us further apart - is more subtle than it looks.
On gross level it could mean something like, if I fall in the door drunk at one in the morning, will it bring us closer together or push us further apart? We know the answer to that one.
But there are other ways in which it can be valuable.
For instance, if you want to raise a contentious issue with your partner and she happens to be in a rotten mood at the time, well, raising your contentious issue just then is going to push you apart for sure.
Wait until she's calmed down and it might just bring you closer together.
Being willing to allow that little question to take up residence in your head implies that you are prepared to put the needs of the relationship above your individual needs.
It is only in that context that the question makes any sense. If you insist on putting your own individual needs above the needs of the relationship, then the question becomes irrelevant. And before long, the relationship itself may become irrelevant too.
Now, this does not mean that you as an individual have to cease to exist or have to let yourself be walked on. If the relationship is any good, it will allow each of the people in it to meet their own individual needs within reason. In fact, people who don't get to meet their own individual needs are likely to become tetchy, resentful, sulky or depressed and none of these things is good for the relationship.
And sometimes you really do have to stand up to the other person and risk adopting a stance which could push you further apart.
Nevertheless, if you take the time to ask that question, I think your relationships can only improve.
And what about the person I mentioned before who regards every single thing that's wrong in the relationship as the other person's fault?
Here's a set of questions taken from a Japanese approach called Naikan Therapy. Ask these about your partner or indeed about any person or any institution you're busily blaming.
First question: What have I received from this person? Think of specific things. If you live in an average household, she's at least doing more of the housework than you are and she probably listens to you when you want to bitch about the boss and so on.
Second question: What have I given my partner? Again, be as specific as you can. Don't short-change yourself in this.
Third question: What troubles and difficulties have I caused my partner? List them out.
Fourth question: There is no fourth question. What? What about the troubles my partner causes me? You don't need to ask that. You already know the answer.
You already spend plenty of time going around growling to yourself about it.
You ask the three questions to get a fuller perspective (go to www.todoinstitute.org to find out more about Naikan).
When you get the fuller perspective, maybe you'll begin to use that valuable little tool for relationships: is what I am about to do going to bring us closer together or push us further apart?
Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.