ASK THE EXPERT:The first Christmas after separation can be very difficult for both parents and children, writes David Coleman
THIS IS my first Christmas since I separated from my husband. I won't go into the details except to say that I didn't want the split as I felt we could have sorted things out. But he never wanted to go to counselling and I can't help but feel that he has taken the easy way out to avoid dealing with things. We have three children ranging in age from three to 13.
We have all the practical arrangements in place for visits and stuff so at least we aren't fighting about that. But my worry is that I am just going to be so upset over Christmas that I will spoil it for the children. Have you any suggestions for coping?
IT SOUNDS like it will be a very hard time for you. Similar to situations of bereavement, it seems like so many of the Christmas activities will remind you, powerfully, of what you have lost.
My guess is that you have been upset anyway since the separation, especially as you felt there was an alternative to splitting up. Your children have probably witnessed and experienced that, and they are coping.
Certainly it can be hard for children to sustain the intensity and weight of their parents' upset. But upset is a pretty normal reaction to a situation like yours and so children, like we ourselves, can learn to tolerate it. As time passes everyone adapts to the changed circumstances and the intensity of the upset changes.
With your older children, warn them in advance that you think this might be an especially upsetting time. Make arrangements for there to be other adults, extended family or friends around who can divert and support the children if you do feel overwhelmed at any stage. Think are there any new activities or customs you can create for this year, that won't be steeped in memory, which may become the traditions of the future for the new shape of your family.
Feel sad if that is what is in your heart, but also open your heart to the possibility that sadness passes and good things can grow in its wake. Make a conscious effort to notice and record the good and the positive things that are happening around you this Christmas.
Try to be equally mindful of what you still have, in the midst of your awareness of what you have lost.
Even though your husband never wanted to go to counselling, it could be a great option for you as an individual to help you to heal. The stronger and better able you are to cope the easier things will be for your children and the more energy you will have to support them through what might be an equally difficult time.
I WAS THINKING of doing an evening course in the New Year on child development. I have two children and they are great most of the time. Sometimes, though, they completely wreck my head with their antics. It is usually worse when they are together!
Are the child development courses any use for becoming a better parent and are there any you would particularly recommend?
I DON'T HAVE particular recommendations as the variety of courses is so great and it depends on where you are living as to what might be available locally (you may not have a choice!). Your best bet may be to check around with your friends if they can recommend a particular course.
There is no doubt that courses on child development will give you an insight into your children and possibly their behaviour too. It may spark your interest to study further to develop your own knowledge about how we understand and can help children in their growth and development.
However, very few such courses are specifically geared towards parenting and you might be better off doing a parenting course if you would like to learn skills and strategies for managing your children as a parent.
I am familiar with parenting courses that use the Parent's Plus or Incredible Years programmes and both of these are very structured and give good insight into both understanding children and also dealing with them.
There are other programmes too and generally they are all variations on the common themes of parenting.
The great thing about parenting courses is that you meet lots of other parents, all struggling to greater or lesser degrees with similar issues, and so there are lots of opportunities for sharing the expertise you all hold.
It is worth checking in with your local HSE health centre as they will have information about any parenting support services they have, which usually include parenting courses.
If nothing else, doing a course will give you a break out of the house one evening a week and leave himself to cope with the head-wrecking antics!
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irishtimes.com