MEDICAL MATTERS Paul CarsonThe legs were not a pretty sight, especially for such an attractive young woman. Below knee level a red and angry rash had taken hold and looked camped for the long haul. Swellings like goosebumps, but twice as big, had erupted along scratch marks while pinhead pustules bubbled around the ankles.
"Well, what do you think? Is it an allergy? I've been off wheat from almost a month and there's no difference."
I looked away from the war zone. "Why wheat?"
"My flatmate said she has a rash just like this and a girl in a health food shop told her to stay off wheat."
"And has the rash cleared?"
"Not yet. I don't think she's sticking to the diet though."
The patient's name was Anne, a twenty-something trainee accountant. She hunkered on the examination couch, bare legs drawn up for inspection, face scrunched in concentration. Her hair was blonde but the roots were showing, she had mascara so deep it probably needed to be taken off in spades. Full lips made fuller with blusher, silver stud embedded in one nostril.
"Do you shave your legs?"
She pouted. "Not recently."
I inspected the rash again. "But before not recently?"
"Yes. I don't leave the house like a monkey if that's what you mean."
It wasn't what I meant but that was of no consequence. Then I passed on the bad news. "This is an infected shaving rash. I can make it better but you'll have to leave those legs alone for some time otherwise it'll flare up even worse."
She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.
"Don't be ridiculous, I have to shave my legs."
The argument that followed isn't worth recounting, other than to admit that I lost. I first offered the notion that if God meant for women to shave there'd be mention of it in the bible: "And on the fourteenth day God looked at Eve and saw she had become like the hairiest of hairy beasts and decided this was a bad thing. And so he created the Eden Beauty Parlor and filled it with razors, foaming creams and moisturisers. And God was pleased and so was Adam for he was fed up looking at Eve by this stage."
Nowhere in the scriptures, I added, is there mention of Guerlain, Givenchy, L'Oreal or any other fragrance house. However these attempts at humour, then common sense, fell on deaf ears. Yet how could I have won? I was competing for attention with an industry of multinationals promising beauty and sex appeal from the squeeze of a tube. Their advertising power was greater than the humble, if correct, opinion of one doctor. Yes, Anne's unsightly legs needed treatment. But then they needed to be left alone. No way was she buying into that package.
And she is not alone. Consider these observations:
The average girl starts shaving earlier than her boy peers (what they are shaving God only knows). The average female shaves more square inches of skin than the average male (a certain Welsh rugby star excepted). Wherever a hair sprouts it must be plucked (armpits, belly and pubic areas are especially under threat). A Brazilian is no longer just a citizen of South America, rather the depilation of skin where depilation of skin was never intended. I'm reliably informed a Cuban is even worse and more painful.
From a medical perspective (and to hell with the cosmetic viewpoint) this is causing no end of problems. Girls as young as twelve are attending for help with self-induced dermatitis (inflamed skin). The same youngsters are challenging the treating doctor's assertion that shaving is unnatural (or at least unnecessary and potentially problematic).
Tanning creams are similar troublemakers. Sex on legs, screams one advertisement where a long legged beauty flashes enough bronzed flesh to kick-start even the most jaded libido. I'd like to see a follow up photo where the skin looks volcanic.
And how about mascara? Side effects include red, irritable eyes, inflamed skin around the eyes and puffy eyelids.
Nail varnish? More skin problems, often distant from the nails.
Lipstick? Swollen and sore lips, not lush and kissable.
Hair tints? Scalp scaling, redness and itch.
Tattoos? I immediately think HIV and hepatitis B. Plus they are ugly (to me anyway).
And those accursed studs and rings in tongue, lips, ears, nose, belly, nipples and other places I won't mention. They can cause infection, dermatitis, pain and discomfort. Suggest they should be removed and the response is often disbelief layered with suspicion. Are you asking me to remove the stud because it's causing problems or because you don't like it? Get real, old man.
A quick check in any pharmacy and you'll find skin products that claim to calm, firm, tone, cleanse, moisturise, get rid of wrinkles and blemishes, clear acne, revitalise and rejuvenate. There are even preparations targeted at children and males. I squirm at television ads where grown men rub in moisturiser and turn to the cameras with radiant features. Personally I think they're on HRT (and if they're not they should be).
Consider also this possibility: could beauty product campaigns cause motor accidents? For about two months along one stretch of carriageway where I live a series of billboards featured scantily clothed young women. It was a Nivea plug, for "body milk" as far as I recall. The shots were positioned about every quarter-mile, especially at bus stops. There was a rash of minor accidents around that time and I wondered whether the images had distracted male drivers. Certainly they were meant to catch the eye, but did they hold the attention for a few seconds too long? BUMP. Another whiplash victim crowds our overburdened health system.
Because I'm worth it, claims one popular ad. Girls, I know you're worth it and a whole lot more, but is it really worth it? Put away your shavers and waxers, your toners and cleansers, your blushers and mascaras; put away (please) your tattoos and studs and unnecessary jewellery. Just use ordinary soap and water like the rest of us and let your natural complexions glow. Real men don't moisturise and real men want real women, not painted dolls.
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