Don't leave others in pain

That's men for you : If taking your own life is on your mind, you are probably a young man in your late teens or early 20s

That's men for you: If taking your own life is on your mind, you are probably a young man in your late teens or early 20s. Of course you may be an older man, or a woman, but young men form the biggest risk group for suicide.

Whichever group you belong to, you are probably depressed to a greater or lesser extent. You find it difficult to see the positive things in your life. It is as if a veil has been drawn over them and you are allowed to see only the things that bring you pain.

These things may have something to do with other people: a broken relationship, conflict with someone you love or bullying for instance. It is more likely that they have something to do with you.

You are looking at all the things that are wrong with you. Other people see the things that are right with you but you think they are mistaken, or foolish, or deceived.

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I have met people who thought and felt like you and who wanted to take their lives but decided against it. Why? In almost every case it was the thought of the pain that their death would bring to other people.

I know your depression has told you that other people would be better off without you. You are wrong about this. I have also met the relatives of people who have killed themselves and I can tell you that they are most certainly not better off without the person who died.

What has happened is that the person who has died has taken all his or her pain and has passed it on to those who remain behind. The sad thing is that the pain felt by the person who died would have ended sooner or later had they stayed alive and they would have gone on to live reasonably satisfying lives.

You probably don't believe this but I have met enough people who have turned away from suicide to know that it's true. So the person who commits suicide takes a temporary pain and passes it on as a lifelong hurt to those who remain behind.

Some of the bereaved may turn to drink or drugs for comfort, may become depressed or may eventually take their own lives. Most of the bereaved live with the pain but do not doubt for a second that there is no pain.

I am telling you this because I believe that suicidal people care more about other people than they do about themselves.

But what about you? Does choosing life mean choosing permanent pain?

I don't believe that's what it means at all. What you are going through right now is not your whole life. It is only a part of it. If you can pull yourself through this and stay alive, I am 100 per cent certain that you can experience the same degree of contentment and happiness as other people experience. I have seen it happen many times.

What can you do? If you are suicidal, you are probably paying more attention to your own inadequacies or sorrows than you are to what is going on around you.

But brooding locks in the pain - so try to tear your attention away from painful feelings and thoughts and turn it to whatever is happening outside you.

First, talk to other people, be aware of sights and sounds, read a book, listen to music, go for a walk and try to notice your surroundings.

Second, connect with people. If you can, tell someone you trust about how you really feel. This could be a work colleague, a friend or relative. If they dismiss it, don't turn away in despair - they may just be scared of what you are saying. You could also talk to your GP or a counsellor. You could contact the Samaritans (1850 609090) or a self-help group like Grow (1890 474 474), Aware (01-6617211) or Recovery (01- 626 0775).

Third, resolve not to pass your pain onto others by taking your own life.

You cannot see it now but I promise a day will come when you will be very, very glad you spared other people the terrible pain of your suicide.

Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.