ASK THE EXPERT: Using the 'helping the family' card may help to firm up the idea of regular chores, writes David Coleman
I WAS AT a talk you gave recently and you mentioned that your children all do chores. How did you achieve that? I try to get my two (a boy aged 12 and a girl aged 8) to do simple things and they drag their heels, complain, refuse to do it or ignore me. I get really cross then because I feel as if I am being taken for granted.
But my anger seems like water of the proverbial duck's back for my children, who don't seem fazed and are certainly not suddenly motivated to help out. There are lots of times when I end up doing the jobs myself because I can't be waiting for them to do them.
God knows it is busy enough in our house that I don't have the time to be tidying up after them but if I don't then the house looks like a tip.
Having been at your talk I know you are a realist so perhaps I should expect my children to be a bit selfish but it drives me crazy when I see them lolling around the house while I am just working all the time.
How can I get the work load shared a bit more evenly?
YOU ARE right, my children do chores. However, just because they do them doesn't mean they are enjoying it, or that they are proactive in getting them started each time - they often require regular and repeated prompting!
Helping out around the house is not usually the kind of fun thing that a child volunteers for, and so what you are aiming to achieve is that they initially take on the responsibility as a habit.
You may have noticed when your children were very small, in their toddler years, that they naturally showed a desire to help you in whatever tasks you were doing. If you were cooking, they were on a chair beside you waiting to stir (or taste!). If you were vacuuming, they wanted a turn to push.
It is only as time passes that their interest in helping seems to fade. Sometimes this occurs because we give off the signals that we are too busy, or under pressure, to devote the time to their "helping".
Sometimes we give them a message that they create more mess than assistance and so they are not welcome. Sometimes they just find other things to occupy their time and so we get left "helperless".
Habit and routine are the strongest predictors of children's future chore participation. If you begin early, with the assumption that children will be involved according to their capacity, then you can instil a sense that doing chores is just part of the natural order of the household.
Using the phrase "helping the family" is another nice way of introducing the idea of chores. It is an intrinsically good thing for children to help their family and so using this phrase gives them a clear indication that they are not just doing you a favour by clearing the table or emptying the dishwasher (or whatever the task).
In your specific situation, however, you may find it harder to re-introduce the notion of chores as your children have got into the alternative habit of not doing them and they don't sound motivated to do their bit for the family.
I would suggest that you begin by determining what chores are there to be done and then have a family meeting with your children and your husband or partner.
The key message you want to get across is that housework is not your sole responsibility. It may be that your husband or other half requires a little motivation to do his bit too!
So, once all four of you have agreed what needs to be done, you can divvy up the tasks; assigning them to people according to their preference (if possible). Then write up a big chart with the tasks on it and the person responsible listed alongside.
Encourage everyone to remind each other of the tasks to be done (having the chart helps with keeping this in the public eye) rather than it falling to you to be the constant nag to keep people moving.
It is especially helpful if their dad can take an active role in both completing his own chores efficiently and coercing/ persuading your children to do theirs.
This should shift the balance away from the automatic assumption that housework is your responsibility alone.
Feel free to create rewards for successful completion of chores, such as a top-up to pocket-money, bonus phone credit, a weekend DVD rental or whatever is reasonable and workable for your family.
Alternatively, or in addition, you can attach consequences (in advance) for work not getting done, such as reduction of pocket money, additional penalty chores and such like.
Whatever you decide to do, try to be consistent in applying the new schedule and don't be tempted to pick up the slack if your children or your husband don't fulfil their new responsibilities.
A few nights of no dinners, or delayed dinners, because nobody cleaned the dishes like they were supposed to won't do any of them any harm.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irishtimes.com