Mind Moves:Confidence is something that every young person aspires to. But when you are a gangly, spotty, self-conscious, insecure teenager, confidence can feel like a very elusive aspiration Emma Farrell.
As someone who has been through all of the above, in my recent teenage years, I thought it might be interesting to reflect on how hard it can be to reach this holy grail of personal development.
That teenager who sings for visiting aunties and uncles, who seems to ooze confidence from every facet of their personality, can be described as socially confident. Social confidence allows them to play the game of life.
It is something that can be carefully polished over time. Many young people appear to be confident but may not feel this way inside. They may not yet have "self-confidence".
Self-confidence is about believing in your personal ability to live. It is an assurance that comes from within, whereas social confidence can depend on assurances and positive feedback from others. Young people who are truly self- confident may not even realise they have this gift. They simply trust their own ideas and their ability to cope with life's knocks.
Experiences of being valued and included and the feeling of belonging that this produces are fundamental to self-confidence. The psychologist Maslow wrote that people need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance before they can come to accept themselves.
Extreme behaviours among young people - behaviours that cause major concern to our families - often reflect the lengths we will go to in order to feel like we belong. For example, a young girl with anorexia may ignore her need to eat and sacrifice her physical health just to feel accepted.
Young people who drive too fast, drink too much, do drugs, may be expressing in their own way their attempt to feel like they belong. I'm not making an excuse for this behaviour but simply trying to suggest that there may be important reasons why we engage in this behaviour, which are all too often overlooked.
Finding a way of belonging with your peers may be important but it is not enough to give you self-confidence. You also have to belong to yourself. Knowing who you are and being secure in yourself means knowing what's good for you and what's bad for you.
In other words, self-identity means having some boundaries. Parents feel that it is their role to set boundaries for their children. We - young people - need to know the point at which our behaviour is destructive, but we equally need to be given space to make mistakes. It is important to set boundaries for our behaviour without setting limits for our dreams.
Finding a sense of belonging and self- confidence comes from hearing the positive "voices" in our lives. The voice that says "you've got something to give" is a voice that is carried everywhere. People who do this for young people may never appreciate the powerful impact they have.
Maybe you are a grandmother, a youth worker, a teacher or a football coach. You need to know that your view of young people becomes the lens through which we see ourselves.
When I look back on my own teenage years I realise the self-confidence I had been looking for was within myself. When I stopped straining my ears for "you're a star" I began to hear "I've got something to give".
I began to notice the signs that said "I belong", which gradually allowed me to feel at ease with myself and comfortable in my own skin.
Of course there are times when I lose self- confidence. But the difference now is that I hear my own voice when my confidence is put to the test. I also realise that I need encouragement and that this often can come from unexpected and everyday interactions, for example, through the two ladies who work in the newsagent's in my college. Everyone who approaches their counter receives a warm welcome and regulars are greeted by their first name and a quick chat.
In my first year of college, these two ladies took the time to notice what newspapers I bought on what day and they would keep a copy behind the desk for me. I have never walked away feeling lonely, unnoticed or anonymous, but rather wearing a smile warmed onto my face by just knowing that I had a place in this world.
I would hope that every first-year college student could be given the opportunity to experience this sense of worth and self-confidence in their new environment.
Emma Farrell is a first-year Health Promotion student in Waterford Institute of Technology and a youth adviser to Headstrong - The National Centre for Youth Mental Health. Contact emma@headstrong.ie