Irish people are increasingly looking for a ‘death-style’ which matches their lifestyle
INSCRIBED ON the gravestone of Spike Milligan, this final quip shows the ex-Goon’s desire to be as much himself in death as he was in life. But when it comes to our own funeral arrangements, are we quite as sanguine and prepared?
The Irish are said to “do death” well, with attendance at funerals by work colleagues, neighbours and politicians a societal norm. But our traditional format of a two-day funeral can sometimes feel formulaic.
While the ritual of an evening removal with a religious service and burial the next day can be a familiar frame in which to process grief, we’re increasingly asking for our personality, or that of a loved one, to be reflected in the process.
“It’s about having a death-style that matches your lifestyle,” says Paul Murray, communications manager at the Irish Hospice Foundation.
Murray describes the hospice’s philosophy as one where “death is a natural part of life. Dying is an integral life experience.” He says that pre-planning can be therapeutic for both the person and their loved ones.
“If someone asks the advice of our bereavement team, we say that it’s better to make your wishes known,” he says. “The type of service you want, whether you’d like to use a funeral home or be at home, whether you’d like to be buried or cremated – it’s helpful for the family to know.”
Murray says the number of people choosing non-denominational services is on the up. However, facilities are not keeping pace. “There’s a real lack of secular spaces in Ireland in which to conduct humanist or civil funerals,” he says.
One person leading the charge for more personalised funerals is civil celebrant Avril West. Last month, the Dublin woman set up funeralsonline.ie, a website that enables you to design your own funeral.
The site is essentially a funeral wizard where browsers can mix and match everything from the type of celebrant, to music to the make of hearse.
As a civil celebrant, West will conduct or MC a non-religious funeral.
“People are starting to realise they have choices,” says West. “Before, it was a case of ‘ring the clergy’. Now people want to do their own thing, but aren’t sure how to go about it.”
West is trained by the Institute of Civil Celebrants in the UK. Unlike in civil weddings where a solemniser is appointed by the State, West’s is a private service. “I’ll conduct the service wherever I’m asked – their home, their garden, anywhere they wish.
“I’ll work with the family to write a tribute that will get the essence of that person. I’ll deliver it on the day or they may wish to do it themselves. I’ll help to choose music and poetry too.”
West sees a real trend towards the personalisation of funerals. She’s heard of biker enthusiasts opting for a motorcycle hearse, a musician who had a jazz band and a grandmother who had the Birdie Song played as the crematorium curtains closed. “It was a song she danced to with her grandchildren. As long as it’s legal and decent, you can do what you like,” she says.
She says many families are also opting for a one-day funeral, keeping the body at home the evening before.
But it’s not just the ceremony that’s changing. There’s also the choice of cremation, burial, eco-coffins and green burial grounds.
Ireland has four crematoria, three in Dublin and one in Cork. According to the latest figures compiled by the Cremation Society of Great Britain, there were 2,700 cremations in Ireland in 2008, that’s 9.5 per cent of all deaths – in the UK, the figure is 72 per cent.
Frank Murphy, manager of the Island Crematorium set up in Ringaskiddy in 2006, says, “We’re seeing a gentle increase every month”.
Another cremator notes, “People’s biggest fears are: ‘is the body removed from the coffin’ and ‘do we get the right ashes?’ We assure them only one body is cremated at a time and the coffin always remains sealed.”
The Irish Hospice Foundation is calling for greater regulation and transparency in the funeral industry.
“Funeral directors will often propose embalming but unless the person has been in a bad accident or has had a debilitating disease, there is no real need for this,” says Paul Murray. “It can be an unnecessary cost – ask if it’s really necessary.”
For those preferring burial, Ireland’s first “environmentally friendly” graveyard opened this month. On the slopes of the Blackstairs Mountains outside Enniscorthy, the 7.5-acre Woodbrook Natural Burial Ground is “totally sustainable”, according to its founder, Colin McAteer.
“Instead of headstones, we plant a native Irish tree,” says McAteer, “so the ground has a second life as a native forest.” He says the graveyard will cater for people of “all religions and none”.
“One weekend in the wintertime, we invite the families back to plant their choice of native Irish tree.”
McAteer says 34 per cent of all UK burials are in green graveyards and he says over 100 of his plots have already been pre-booked. Plots cost a fraction of those in city graveyards, at €630 for a single and €2,300 for four.
A well-appointed plot in a popular Dublin graveyard can cost up to €20,000, according to one undertaker.
Woodbrook will only accept coffins made from sustainable sources, but with the rise in popularity of eco- coffins made from willow, water hyacinth, bamboo, banana leaf and even recycled cardboard, people are spoilt for choice.
The best way to ensure you get the funeral you want is to make your wishes known.
Eleanor Edmond, solicitor and advocacy manager with the Alzheimer’s Society, says, “Your will isn’t the best place to say what you want because it isn’t opened until after the funeral. Tell a family member or your solicitor”.
She says that, when it comes to the financial affairs of those with a diagnosis of dementia, granting an Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA) to a trusted person who will act for you in the event that you can no longer manage your affairs is critical.
“If you lose your capacity to make decisions and haven’t arranged an EPA, you can be made a ward of the court,” she says. “This can be problematic, especially if the family needs to access money to pay for your care.
“The EPA doesn’t take effect until you lose your decision-making capacity,” she says, “and the person must apply to the court to activate the power.
“Without an EPA, the court appoints a person to manage your affairs. That may not be the person you’d choose.”
Edmond explains that an EPA applies only in the course of your lifetime, with your affairs reverting to the wishes in your will or to your next of kin on your death.
Another area to consider for those planning ahead are advance care directives. These allow individuals to outline their care preferences, such as a “Do not resuscitate” order should they develop a terminal illness or a life-threatening injury.
Eamon Timmins of Age Action Ireland says that, while a person can ask for a “Do not resuscitate” order to be put on their medical records, doctors in this country aren’t legally obliged to comply and, if they do, they could be open to prosecution.
“The fact that there are no medical guidelines or legislation to guide doctors and patients in this area is of grave concern to us.”
Raised in the Seanad last month by Senator Rónán Mullen, who cited the example of an elderly woman who had had her ribs broken during a resuscitation attempt, it’s an issue that’s set to gather momentum.
Overall if you wish your death to reflect your life, the advice is to plan ahead and make your wishes known.
In his epitaph, Winston Churchill declares himself prepared and “ready” to meet his maker, but he quips, “whether my maker is ready for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter!”
