ASK THE EXPERT:A toddler coping with the loss that a new baby's presence has created
I HEARD you the other day talking about a little boy who was "smothering" his baby brother. You told the mother not to tell him he is bold. I was quite amazed; surely he must learn that it is wrong to hurt his little brother?
I have a similar situation in that I have a 23-month-old boy and just recently had our second baby, a girl. My older one doesn't try to smother her but he has pinched her, quite hard, and I caught him trying to strike at her the other day.
I was really upset, because I want them to have a nice relationship and I can't believe he is already so mean to her (she is only 11 weeks old). I lost my temper with him and put him on the naughty step in the hall.
He just laughed at me and kept struggling to get away. I ended up holding him on the step for a few minutes before I let him go. As soon as I did he ran straight for her and I had to grab him in case he hurt her.
I certainly told him he was bold that day. So I am wrong to be doing what I do? And if there is a better way to deal with this, what is it? I just really want him to accept and like his sister.
THE GREAT thing about parenting is that there are very few absolute rights and wrongs. Certainly, however, you will find that different people have different opinions about ways of approaching situations. Sometimes the outcome can be different depending on the approach you use.
For example, anybody who has heard me speak, or has read my book, will know that I have a very strong view that "bold steps" or "naughty steps" don't work for children. I do believe in the concept of time-out but only where that time-out is designed to give you or your child a chance to cool off before tempers get really raised.
A "bold step" on the other hand becomes a place where bold children go. This means that your son could well internalise the sense of being bold simply because he is put, on a repeated basis, to sit in the bold place.
Similarly, if you repeatedly call your son bold in response to any behaviour then, potentially, he can internalise a belief that he is intrinsically bold. Being the "bold child" is how he could come to think about himself well into the future.
I would much rather think about having a good child who does bold things.
This differentiation between personality and behaviour is quite significant. It is good that children get a message that certain behaviours are bold, or are naughty. It is good that they are told that certain behaviours will not be tolerated and will not be allowed in your house.
It was for this reason that I suggested to the woman on the radio that she doesn't label her child as "bold". I suggest to you, also, that you don't label your son as bold, but do reference his behaviour as bold.
Pinching his baby sister or trying to hit her is certainly a bold thing to do and yes you need to respond, like you did, by removing him from the opportunity to hurt. You just don't need to remove him to a "bold step".
Almost all two year olds don't need punishment per se. They just need clear direction about what is and isn't allowed.
So I favour giving a very strong and simple verbal message that "hurting is not allowed" as you remove him to another part of the room, or even out of the room. Your actions prevent the hurting from continuing.
Of course, it is not possible to dictate to your children that they should get on. You can't always engineer a situation where your son is ever going to accept or like his little sister.
You need to remember that from his perspective he has already been usurped by her to the point that he is probably losing out on your time and your attention because she's there. I would guess that his behaviour of trying to hurt is his way of showing her and you that he's not happy losing out in this way.
I think, therefore, that it's a good idea for you to acknowledge this for him and to help him recognise that he is finding it hard to cope with the loss that her presence has created.
If he knows that you understand that his nose is out of joint, he has less need to show you with his hurting behaviour.
Then, to increase the likelihood that he views her positively, you can try to create situations where in fact he gets to spend nice time with her. For example, perhaps encourage him to touch her gently in a massaging way, while you massage him at the same time. Try using her feeding times as a chance to read a story to your son. See the bath times as opportunities for him to help you care for her.
But also, sometimes, despite our best efforts and great intentions, siblings become rivalrous. Maybe life is just like that!
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie