ASK THE EXPERT:It is important that information accrued by your child fits with your own value system, writes David Coleman.
I'M A single father of one girl aged 11 and she is approaching the age at which she needs to be told about the birds and the bees and all that a girl will go through at this time. The thing is she is very distant towards me and the idea of talking about this with her is daunting. Does this information need to come from me or can I get her aunt to do it?
No, the information doesn't have to come from you. The ideal situation, though, would be for you to feel comfortable to talk with your daughter about all aspects of her development, including about sex and so on.
So, even if your sister is the one who has the main conversation, you still need to let your daughter know that you are open to discussing all of the same issues.
In fact, there is quite a high likelihood that at age 11, your daughter already has a lot of information. The job of a parent, however, is always to make sure that the information your child may have already accrued is accurate and that it fits with your own value system and beliefs about sex.
In your situation, the biggest factor against talking to her directly seems to be your sense of a distance in your relationship with your daughter, rather than any outright reluctance to talk about sex, sexuality and sexual development and relationships.
Of course, there is no reason a dad couldn't or shouldn't talk to his child about these things, but in your case it may possibly alienate your daughter further, given that you are already struggling to communicate with her.
I think that, even if it is daunting or embarrassing, it is a good thing for her to know that you understand about how her body is changing, about periods, about sex, about boys and relationships. This leaves the door open for communication about these crucial issues at any stage in the future.
My three-year-old son is constantly looking for attention and has started to wet his pants in order to get noticed. It's not as if he doesn't get enough, as we're constantly cuddling him and playing with him.
He has a seven-year-old brother and I wonder sometimes if he is jealous of him. Is it just about giving him more attention or should we be doing something else about the wetting accidents?
The thing about small children is that they can never get too much attention. This, of course, is not to say that we must be the ones to give it to them all of the time.
However, not all attention is the same. For some children, even though they get noticed a lot, they might not feel attended to. Equally, some children get so much attention that they become dependent on it and never learn to develop interests to occupy themselves without other people.
Your son sounds like he may well have developed a new strategy for getting noticed in the family. I'd imagine it is pretty successful too, as toileting accidents are almost impossible to ignore and are pretty much guaranteed to get a response from a parent.
If the wetting is purely an attention-seeking device for your child then the obvious answer would be to reduce all of the attention to his wetting and increase the positive attention he gets at other times of the day.
I doubt, however, that his wetting is a conscious strategy and so simply ignoring it won't work.
You would be well advised to minimise your responses to his accidents and to be as low key and calm as possible (difficult though I know that to be). At the same time, you can go back to positively reinforcing his successful uses of the toilet, heaping on the praise and affirmation when he goes in the loo.
The other aspect, then, would be to increase the level of positive attention that he gets at other times. But you say you already give him lots of positive time and attention. It may be, however, that the time he gets is unpredictable (sometimes lots, sometimes little and always at a time of your choosing and not his).
If that is the case, then building up some regular and guaranteed play or cuddle time, that happens at the same time, day in and day out, could give him a greater sense of security and reliability. Once he knows he will always get attended to, then he should have less need to look for the attention (positively or negatively).
The other thing to invest your time in is building up opportunities for your children to do things together. This may give him a new source for getting his attention (as well as reducing any sibling rivalry).
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. You can also listen to him on the Moncrieff Showevery Wednesday at 3pm on Newstalk 106-108.
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie