A lot of stress comes from relationships that don’t run smoothly, says Gregory Kramer who teaches a meditation that can improve our lives with others
THE GROWTH of interest in meditation as a means to living a fuller yet calmer life was evident recently when more than 800 people turned up to hear American mindfulness meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn speak in Dublin.
Gregory Kramer is another American meditation teacher whose specific interpersonal approach to meditation is gaining more attention internationally.
Working in Ireland for the first time this month, he led a seven-day retreat in Co Clare (fully booked out) and explained the basics of what he calls Insight Dialogue in a public talk in Dublin.
A meditation teacher for 29 years, Kramer developed the form of interpersonal meditation he calls Insight Dialogue to help people bring their meditation practice into their everyday relationships. His book, Insight Dialogue – the interpersonal path to freedom (Shambhala), was published in 2007.
According to Kramer, practising meditation in silence is often “not robust” enough when it comes to relating to others. “People who have had a deep meditation practice in silence for years often find that they move into reaction when they begin speaking to someone. Insight Dialogue is the practice of bringing meditation to speaking and listening,” he explains.
Developed from the Buddhist tradition – but accessible to those of all religions and none – the practice of Insight Dialogue involves precise, tranquil, steady and incisive listening, speaking and mutual silence in the moment of personal contact.
“With this interpersonal meditation practice, you can become particularly clear minded, sharp and alert so that you might perceive aspects of the experience that you wouldn’t usually see,” explains Kramer.
Kramer believes that to leave relationships out of meditation practice is “unwise”. “There is something about our encounters with other people that get very messy and sticky. The potential for confusion, grasping, rejection and fear is huge when two people react to each other,” he says.
And he also believes that a lot of the stresses of relationships drive us to overconsumption (alcohol, fancy cars and so on) to impress people.
“This work can give us a deeper understanding of what it is to live with others and be with others in ongoing intimate relationships.
“We learn how our hungers for pleasure or to be seen or to hide, impact on all of our relationships,” he says.
Although acknowledging that suffering is personal (bodily pain, ageing, death and existential questions about the meaning of life and so on), Kramer is adamant that a tremendous amount of our suffering is interpersonal and that by careful listening and responding to both our internal (bodily and emotional) and external (an other person’s voice, body language, other sounds and movements) cues, we can learn a lot about how we contribute to stressful relationships.
“The mind is very powerful and can protect those places of tension, confusion and hurt from being known.
“But a lot of that hiding becomes impossible when you bring the practice out into the open air with others – where every moment of interpersonal practice is met by, supported by and even challenged by others,” he says.
And, in agreement with many other meditation teachers and practitioners, he says, “One of the most powerful ways of becoming free is to see things as they are, to learn to look within and to learn to be present to the internal experience at the same time as the relationship with others.
“Just by being aware, the body begins to calm down and the activity of the overactive brain begins to diminish and you’ll see better what’s going on and what’s going on will change,” he adds.
Kramer leads retreats and workshops in North America, Australia, New Zealand and in Europe and he uses the same approach everywhere. “Most people come to retreats, not to cure a pathology but because they realise that they have a greater capacity to become compassionate, wise and at peace,” he says.
“The feedback from the people on retreat is so overwhelming, heart rendering and filled with gratitude that it would almost feel self serving to describe it to you,” he says.
“People feel shifts in their personalities, feelings of relief, joy and freedom that make it eager for them to go back to the meaningful relationships in their lives with a deep sense of possibility.”
Through his website (www.metta.org), Kramer and his associates also offer online meditation and contemplation with members of a worldwide practice community.
“If you’re motivated to do this – either because your life has a lot of suffering in it or because you sense the capacity for great joy, it’s not like work, you will be compelled to do it,” he says.
