The Bigger Picture: One of the cruellest things in this universe is how we will attack the people in our lives we feel safest with. Even when we are really angry and feel intensely justified in the attack and who we are attacking, the truth remains: we will attack the people we feel we can, and are more likely to spare the ones we don't believe would take it - those who might fight back, or we fear could annihilate us.
As no attack comes from an intelligent, loving or connected perspective, when we attack, we are usually not fully aware in ourselves.
To attack is not rational. It can't be, no matter how much we try to justify it.
We would never strike out against those who have helped us most in the past, and likely will in the future, if we were being rational. We could never attack anyone if we noticed our connection to each other.
Rather, an attack is something that comes from our darkest places, when we are having the hardest times, from the centre of internal struggle and conflict. It is behaviour without awareness.
Ironically, part of our intelligent nature is to be persistent in trying to get our emotional hurts healed.
As a result, there are limits to our ability (or will) to suppress, hide and ignore them. We carry in us some primal hope that someone will notice our struggle, connect with us and love us through it so that the pain will heal. As a result, we instinctively show our difficulties whenever a "hopeful" opportunity arises: with the people and in the places where it is safest to do so.
We have all participated in the attack of someone else.
We may not be able to acknowledge or be honest about it, but it has happened.
I know this because we each have painful hurts we have not had a chance to recover from. They manifest in our lives as fears and doubt. These hurts challenge us at basic levels of identity and self-esteem. They leave us with limited, and so inaccurate perspectives - "blind-spots" that, by their nature, lack insight and clarity and are characterised by confusion.
I find it most cruel how, in this way, we will continuously and persistently attack the people who really do love us.
This is not to dismiss the cruelty of attacks on people we don't know or people with whom we feel the distorted "safety" of not having to be accountable because they are in structurally less powerful positions to ourselves (situations where we truly believe the person, or anyone else on their behalf, will not be able to fight back because they don't have the power).
It is just that the disconnection between attacker and attacked in these situations seems so complete, it is nearly meaningless.
But the persistent attack of someone who loves you, is connected to you, fights for you and would walk on coals for you, can only be summed up as a "cruel, cosmic joke". So, why do we do it?
Why are we ending up so mad at our mothers, hating our lovers and able to walk-away-forever in a moment from our best friends?
The answer comes from something that made sense when we were children.
Children can't explain, discuss or analyse their feelings. They can only show them.
Furthermore, children are not vindictive or manipulative (unless they have been taught to be, by example). Thus, if a child is feeling very hurt or frustrated, they will do the smartest thing they can think of to get that feeling healed: put it out and onto someone they think will be able to do something about it - ie, someone who can create space for it, listen to it, acknowledge it, give it a voice and hold out a love greater than the initial hurt that the child can reach for.
All too often, however, adults get confused with their own, earlier hurts and, so, take on a child's feelings - personally and literally.
As a result, we argue, defend, even appease the struggle; but do little to heal it. In this way, we pass down confusion and powerlessness.
Hurts get stuck, and are amplified over time. What started out as attempts to show our feelings as children, turns into habits of blaming, hurting and justifying as adults.
It's painful to notice we've hurt someone, particularly if we've been very hurtful and/or the person was very close to us.
With the noise of our own hurt and confusion in our heads, it's physically difficult to accept the pain we have caused.
The only way to stop attacking, however, is to develop awareness and clarity.
We do this by taking responsibility for our own hurts, and the process of getting them healed. The more we do this, the greater depth and connection we will be able to find and nurture in our relationships.
This is the love that can free us from the stresses that would otherwise kill us, and make it possible for us to build our world in line with our imagination.