Traditionally, grandparents have been babysitters, doctors and co-conspirators with their grandchildren. The phrase "You're in your Granny's" means you have entered the indulgence zone. Pretty much anything goes. Bedtimes become moveable, treats are plentiful and secrets are shared. Grandparents are relieved of the responsibility of rearing and can enjoy their grandchildren in a way they couldn't enjoy their children.
It's a rosy, cosy image of the family structure that will be familiar to many, but, for some, the role of grandparent is changing. Socio-economic factors of the past 20 years have dictated changes that affect the family dynamic: housing and childcare crises, contraception, single parenthood, drug culture, separation and divorce, economic slumps and booms. All have had an impact on the family, redefining roles within it, not least that of the grandparent.
Today's grandparents might find themselves thrust into a co-parental role, might even find themselves as the primary carer; charitable agencies such as the Society of St Vincent de Paul help grandparents who are rearing their grandchildren, and whose children sometimes return to the home only to steal. Others, because of family circumstances, find themselves able to make little, if any, input.
Dr Brendan O'Shea of the Irish College of General Practitioners says the changing role of grandparents has enormous health implications for the individual, the family and the health-care system. "But they're all difficult to measure, because they mainly relate to quality of life. We can apply science to measure things like longevity and the instance of illness, but quality-of-life factors are difficult to measure. But just because we can't measure them doesn't mean they're not important. Very often, they're much more important than figures."
O'Shea is a general practitioner in Co Kildare. "In a town like Newbridge, you see major quality-of-life issues," he says, adding that it is a typical Celtic Tiger town: people are following employment and moving into the area, which means they're moving away from their extended families. "The grandparenting role in this scenario is almost redundant, and they're missing out."
New parents who live far from their extended families can lack basic coping skills. Like many of his colleagues, O'Shea brings them through very simple parenting issues. Were there a grandparent around, they would know what they were dealing with and have a "certainty and surety" about them.
O'Shea says an additional problem is the lack of continuity of contact. Couples can feel stressed after weekends with their in-laws, when their toddlers will have been exposed to strange houses, people and food, perhaps affecting their behaviour. In this case, the grandparents will have been unused to seeing their grandchildren, too, making the visit stressful for them also. It sounds far removed from the traditional rosy, cosy model.
But the good news is that having grandchildren can be good for your health. "It's very rejuvenating for grandparents to be involved," says O'Shea. "Science would suggest that if people have a focus, if they have an important function, it definitely keeps them young. They're less likely to have impaired cognitive function. If someone is living an isolated routine, without some level of demand being placed on them, statistically, they're far more likely to become clinically depressed."
So being a reasonably involved grandparent is good for you. "From the Ladybird book of medicine: if you don't use it, you lose it," says O'Shea. He believes that grandparents who are involved in minding their grandchildren can find themselves in a win-win situation, as long as they are healthy and the children are well behaved. "It's better for the child, too," he says. "There's no qualitative science to prove it, but you would have to believe that this is better than contract care." He feels that the Rolls-Royce of childcare is that done by parents, but that that done by the extended family is a good second best.
The bad news is that as we enter the stage of life when becoming a grandparent is a prospect, we're already on the slippery slope of ill health. The traditional life expectancy of three score and 10 is moving closer to four score but, says O'Shea, who refers to the "rectangular life", we live the second half of it in decline. "In Scandinavian countries, Australia, Canada, Japan, people regularly reach 80, but they get there having maintained their wellness and level of function. Then they drop."
In the Republic, we begin to get sick in significant numbers in our 40s and 50s. "We don't have a nice, clean rectangle, so what a grandparent is able or not able to do varies enormously." He blames the sloping line primarily on our health-care system's lack of focus on preventative medicine.
"Successive governments have failed to grasp the significance of this lost sector of the rectangle: it's enormously expensive to have people sick at that age." And, he says, prevention is cheaper than cure. He would like to see the system place much more attention on prevention during the first half of the rectangle, reconfiguring the second half so the model in the Republic matches those abroad - "to get to the biological age of 80 and be well and enjoy it," he says.
The health-care system is failing in this "prevention zone" in five key areas, he says:
immunisation rates are poor by First World standards
the Republic does not have screening programmes for cervical cancer, hypercholesterolaemia or hypertension
the General Medical Services system does not aim to reduce the number of people who smoke
the Republic does not regulate smoking, through tax, advertising and retailing measures, as well as it could
the Republic does not make driving as safe as it could
All of which means that your health dictates the extent of your involvement with your grandchildren, which in turn will contribute to your well-being.
So how is practical grandparenting working? What are the changes, and how are grandparents coping with them? One unfortunate change, similar to living far from one's extended family, is the loss of contact that can result from the breakdown of a relationship.
Grandparents Obliterated is a support group that was formed in 1995 by grandparents who found themselves cut off from their grandchildren. Since its formation, the group has received well in excess of 12,000 calls. "We've lost count," says a founder member who doesn't want to be identified, as she, like many of those who use the group, may end up in court in a battle for access.
"Most of the people who come to the group are paternal grandparents," she says. "Their son's relationship has broken down and the children go with their mother. For these people, it's like bereavement. It's heartbreaking and enormously stressful."
'Mary' is one grandmother who won access to her granddaughter through the Family Courts. Her son and his partner split acrimoniously when their daughter was three years old. Mary and her husband had enjoyed a good relationship with their granddaughter, but after the split, the mother denied them access.
"We didn't do anything to her," says Mary, "and we love her like all our grandchildren, so we decided to go to court." She describes what followed as "all hell breaking loose". Despite the court's awarding Mary two hours' access at weekends, the mother still kept her from them. They went to court a second time. "We battled it out," she says, "and finally got it sorted." She now sees her grandchild for three hours each Saturday, and things are improving. The girl is now old enough to phone to ask if she can come over earlier than planned. Mary is delighted, of course, but has to be careful that any deviation from the court's conditions is with the mother's consent. "The whole business of court was hard going and it was expensive, but now that we have this relationship with her, I feel it's all worthwhile." Unfortunately, just as Mary and her husband were starting to enjoy their relationship with their granddaughter, he died. "He was an honest-to-God man," she says. "It was all too much for him."
Olive Fleming is a widow who fits the model of the traditional grandparent. She has five grandchildren under six. Both of her daughters are full-time mothers. "We spoke about this a lot before they were married," she says, "and it would be my personal opinion that it's better for children to have a parent at home in the early years; you miss so much otherwise."
All her grandchildren live nearby, and she sees them regularly, but in the traditional grandmotherly way. She's there to give advice if she's asked for it and sometimes babysits during the day; she dislikes doing it at night, as she doesn't like coming home alone. "But I never interfere," she says. "My tongue goes firmly between my teeth sometimes, but I won't interfere." She adores her grandchildren but maintains that, although she'd never stop loving them, she'd resent being "cornered" were she to have to mind them full-time. Her daughters would never ask it of her, though. "When you get into your 60s," she says, "you get pains".
She enjoys her traditional role, perhaps the only unconventional aspect of which is that her grandchildren don't call her Granny, Gran or Nana - "I'm an 'Olive'," she says. An Olive who is delighted to enjoy her grandchildren in a way she couldn't enjoy her own children. As a parent, she says, you're responsible and nervous. As a grandparent, you can roll around with them, talk nonsense and enjoy it. Then, she says with a glint in her eye, you can give them back.
Kevin and Colette Croke are not traditional grandparents. Colette wanted to be young enough to enjoy being a grandparent - and got her wish. When Yvonne, their eldest daughter, was 23, she told them she was expecting a baby - and had only six weeks to go. Yvonne had been working away from home and says she didn't realise she was pregnant until the 24th week of gestation. Her menstrual cycle had never been regular, so she didn't pay much attention when her periods stopped. It wasn't until she felt a life inside her, she says, that she realised a baby was on its way. She confided in a friend, and together they worked back through the calendar to estimate the due date. She still hadn't been to her doctor when she told her parents.
"It was a shock," says Colette, "but with only six weeks to go, we had to get busy, sorting things out." Yvonne had been in a relationship but ended it. She told the father she was expecting his baby, and he chose not to be involved. There was a little sadness, says Colette, and they were upset for their daughter, but not angry. The important thing was to get her antenatal care under way. Kevin and Colette took it on - and not by half measures. Colette became Yvonne's "birth partner", going to antenatal classes, practising breathing exercises and, finally, being there for her daughter's labour and delivery. The result was a grandson, Ben. "It's hard looking at your daughter going through it," she says, "but you'd rather be there than not. She didn't have anyone else."
Yvonne says her mum talked her through it. "I couldn't have done it without her." When Ben was born, weighing nine pounds and eight ounces, the midwife offered Colette the privilege of cutting the cord. Perhaps displaying the first sign of being a grandparent who wouldn't interfere, Colette asked Yvonne if she would prefer to do it. Yvonne declined.
"I cut the cord," says Colette with obvious pride. There were hugs and tears of relief all round. Then Kevin, her husband, who had been outside the hospital, and Yvonne's brother, Kevin Jr, and sister, Elaine, gathered to celebrate. That's what it was, says Colette: a family celebration.
Ben is now 14 months old, and he and Yvonne live with Kevin and Colette. Kevin Jr is about to take up a sports scholarship at University College, Dublin, having played for the Ireland under-19s side in the rugby world cup in Chile; Elaine lives and works in Dublin. The household adapted perfectly to the new arrival.
"Yvonne is Ben's mother," says Colette. "I might make a suggestion if invited, but Yvonne makes the decisions." There is no friction. A horse-riding instructor, Yvonne was back to business three weeks after the birth; a fortnight later, she took part in a 25-mile race. Kevin and Colette follow the courses by road and meet up with her along the way. They bring Ben along to watch his mum.
Theirs is a modern grandparenting tale. How the role changes in the future will be dictated in part by the increasing trend of women having their children later in life, from their mid-30s on. Applying the model of the "life rectangle", the parents of these 30-somethings will be well into their declining years. Will they get the chance to be grandparents? If so, will they get the chance to be the kind of grandparents they want to be? The message seems to be that preparation for being a grandparent begins in the first half of life. Stay well.