THE BIGGER PICTURE Shalini SinhaThere are times in my life when friends or family have come to me in both admiration and worry about the amount I do and get involved with.
Some of their concern is justified. I always have a long list of things I am working on right now and so rarely leave time for myself to just relax and be at an easy pace. As such, I operate at what can seem like a high level of stress.
Not all this stress is negative, however, as not all stress is. Even those concerned loved ones would marvel at my good form and enthusiasm for life.
Indeed, stress is only negative when the physical and mental tension is attached to and nurtures bad feelings about one's self, in whatever guise that might take. This is when the added anxiety becomes destructive.
We all have chronic struggles. At the places where we push ourselves beyond our limits and out of our comfort zones, those struggles are able to leak out and become more obvious to those around us.
For those who love us, it can be difficult to see this happening without trying to offer assistance.
What is visible to the world around us, however, is only the end result - the symptom, if you will - of much deeper internal battles. The underlying effects influencing them are always more complex and as unique as the individual. As such, it can be nearly impossible to grasp what the real situation is unless you are the individual on the inside. Thus, all assumptions to that effect, by friends and loved ones, are almost always wrong (even when we really believe we know the person better than they could know themselves).
Aside from the fact that we can never really offer anything constructive when we try to analyse a friend's struggle, there is another excellent reason to avoid doing so. There is, in fact, no constructive point to it. It will not help change or heal things, because it does not lead to the process that is required if someone is to move through a struggle to something more empowered.
This doesn't mean that we should back off and ignore altogether the struggles of those we love.
There is a real value when people around us who really care notice our chronic difficulties. It gives us the opportunity to become aware of things which we may not otherwise see, as these are struggles that by definition are so normal to us, we often don't have the chance to reflect on them. It gives us the chance to engage in a process.
The process that is needed is a personal one. It is concerned far less with defining all the details of the problem, and far more with simply allowing our attention to rest on this area in short bursts, noticing the strain and developing a new perspective - a perspective of compassion for one's self rather than self-defeating.
It is this perspective that allows us to leave the struggle in our history and integrate it into our wisdom of where we are going now.
If we do get to the point of addressing one of our deepest struggles, there are a few hopeful things to keep in mind.
First, I've noticed that, regardless of how extreme or chaotic the behaviour might appear to others, there is usually something good and genuine going on in it. For example, I know I have an exceptional desire to realise my dreams and enjoy achieving as much as I possibly can. If anything, I have an overdeveloped sense that I can fulfil my potential and beyond, and really enjoy engaging in things at this level.
What's more, I've noticed I grow tremendously, and even evolve as an individual the more I pursue, and this has meant the world to me. It has brought me to a place in my life that really gives me a deep sense of pride. While people around me might see my struggles that arise as a result, they are not always aware of how valuable and positive this approach has been in my life.
At the same time, I do experience negative stress in the process. My environment can be chaotic in ways I don't enjoy. I am sometimes over-tired and under nourished. There are times when I spend a long time doing something small just because I've gotten scared and have lost focus.
Although I am bound to struggle with terror and confusion from time to time simply because I am pushing beyond any perceived limits (and that this will always frighten the people around me), there is still a level of negative stress that I would like to live without.
And so, there continues to be a need for process - not just to discover balance, but how to want that balance. Negative stress is about perspective. We need to find reasons to discover new perspectives that are in line with who we are and what we believe. This allows us to move from things that drain us to things that strengthen us.
The outward changes that follow are just a welcome by-product.
ssinha@irish-times.ie
Shalini Sinha has worked as a life coach and counsellor and presents the intercultural programme, Mono, on RTÉ. She has a BA in anthropology and an MA in women's studies.