ASK THE EXPERT:It's hard to know why very small babies cry, except that it is in many ways a sign of bonding and security, writes David Coleman
WE HAVE an 18-week-old baby. He has been in and out of hospital since birth and his last admission was at 10 weeks old when he was taken critically ill. He is now home, and apart from having to do physiotherapy at home and in hospital and having lots of hospital appointments, he is well.
He got used to either myself or my husband sitting by his cotside day and night, a lot of the time holding his hand, and being there to comfort him constantly when doctors were putting lines in, etc.
Our families also have made such a fuss over him as he was so ill. The result of all this attention is that he still needs constant company and entertaining.
He is okay when we are looking at him while talking on the phone or talking to someone else as he thinks we are talking to him so he sits there smiling but if we look away or something blocks his view he will start getting anxious and his legs and arms start to flap and his breathing gets much faster and this builds up to him crying.
We hate to see him cry now as he has been through so much it upsets us, but we do not know what is healthy crying and not. We immediately think something is wrong. We really want him to be able to entertain himself and be independent so that he can develop an imagination and be content. We don't know what to do as we do not want to spoil him.
IT IS my belief that you can't "spoil" tiny babies. The more attention you give them, the better it is. Infants are completely reliant upon us, their parents, to meet all of their needs. Secure attachments are built upon the reliability with which we respond and meet those needs.
In your situation it may seem that things are complicated by the hospitalisations that your baby (and ye!) had to endure. But in fact it is not that much more complicated. No doubt it was a hugely worrying time for you and I would guess that some of that worry and anxiety still lingers, despite his progress.
Your son being hospitalised simply means that you have had to meet a different set of needs from those of other babies. Your son, for example, experienced pain from needles, and so he needed to be comforted. In another family it might be an ear infection that led to the pain, but the requirement to comfort your baby is the same.
The reality is that in those early weeks none of us has a clue quite what needs an infant is expressing. Their only way of expressing the need is to cry and so we try to translate their cry and respond to whatever is our best guess about what they need. It sounds to me as if you are doing an excellent job of trying to work this out for your son.
You describe that you don't know what is "healthy" crying and not. All crying is healthy in the sense that it serves a purpose for a child. One of the functions is to clearly indicate distress, so that a parent will immediately react.
Your worry, I would guess, is that sometimes your son might be crying simply to get your attention and notice (since he has become so used to it from when he was hospitalised). I have no doubt that sometimes he is crying just to get noticed. But I also believe that this is not a bad thing.
I can understand that you hate to see him cry because of course we hate to think of our children being upset. However, I also hold a belief that we should celebrate the crying of babies as it is a great sign of their reaching out into the world and their faith in our capacity to meet them at a physical, emotional and psychological level.
In many ways your four- month-old sounds like he is developing a very secure attachment to you because he has learned already that you are there for him in a very concrete and loving way. Of course, as soon as he perceives any slippage in that connection, he gets a bit anxious. Expressing that anxiety by crying is completely normal.
Securely attached babies grow up to be independent people as they have faith that it is okay to go and explore the world, confident in the knowledge that a secure base is always there to return to if needed.
Babies do learn to entertain themselves, but usually just for very brief periods before returning to the wonderfully powerful emotional and physical connection that they have with their parents. At this time in his development his contentment comes from his relationship with you and so I think you should continue to invest in that as you have been all along.
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• David Colemanis a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. You can also listen to him on the Moncrieff Showevery Wednesday at 3 pm on Newstalk 106-108
• Readers' queries are welcome and may be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie