THAT'S MEN: I HAVE been writing about women whose lives are controlled by the men they live with, but a male reader reminds me that the same can happen to men.
I completely agree. Violence and control are not exclusively attributes of men and this is increasingly recognised.
In my role as a counsellor, I come across cases of oppressive control by men far more often than I encounter the same behaviour by women. But I have no doubt that some men are enduring the sort of extreme control I described last week.
This can include isolating the man from his friends, keeping him away from his family of origin, raising hell if he is seen talking to someone of the opposite sex and endlessly denigrating him so that his spirit is destroyed.
The man who contacted me had put up with this for three decades and was in his 50s before he left his controlling partner. Today, he has a “brilliant” new relationship and a new career.
“Maybe you could give a bit of encouragement to some of the men out there who are in the same boat but are too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it,” he writes.
Some of that encouragement comes from a female reader who also broke free. A key contributor to her escape from a “bullying control freak” was telling other people, including the family and friends she had been cut off from, what was going on.
She found that telling others about it lifted a weight off her shoulders. “I was moving forward and being proactive, regardless, no longer frozen,” she writes.
“My courage grew on a daily basis as I brought more and more people into the frame, people whom I had been isolated from . . . I began to sing from the rooftops and pretty soon, I was on my way with housing, finance and custody.
“Isolation is a terrible thing and simply telling people about what had been going on in the house was cathartic.”
It also helped her that she stopped worrying about what might happen years down the road if she ended the abusive relationship and instead took a “one day at a time” approach to living.
“I am writing to say that I think it is within everybody, every woman especially, to find that courage and decide to go for it, regardless of threats and perceived consequences. Put yourself first, just once, and it is amazing what can happen.”
Today, she also is in a happy relationship. “Everything changed as soon as I decided that enough was enough and made active decisions to change.”
To these heartening stories I would add a word of caution, which is to talk to someone like Amen (if you are a man) or Women’s Aid (if you are a woman) if you have any fears about what might happen when you try to end the relationship.
Amen’s website advises men who experience violence from their partners to get legal advice, seek medical attention and tell family and friends what is going on. They suggest that the man not leave the family home unless he or his children are in serious danger. They also warn the man not to be provoked into retaliating.
The website at amen.ie has more information and advice and can be contacted at tel: 046-9023718 or 086-7941880 (out of hours).
Women’s Aid (womensaid.ie) has been working with emotionally and physically abused women since the 1970s and has a freephone helpline at 1800-341900.
Nobody deserves to be bullied by a control freak yet people put up with it for years. Sometimes they stay out of love, sometimes out of fear of striking out on their own and sometimes out of utter demoralisation. But there is hope and a way out once you reach your turning point, even if takes years.
Both of my correspondents come across as strong people with lots of self-assurance after remaking their lives following years of control. Gaining or regaining that strength of personality is the real reward for breaking free.
Padraig O'Morain ( pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is available free by e-mail