Padraig O'Morain's guide to surviving marriage
If your wife has been telling you lately that you're not the man she married, she's probably right. The thing is, she's probably not the woman you married either.
Marriages go through stages.
These stages also apply to those long-term, live-in relationships which are marriages in everything except the law.
For most of us, the romantic stage marks the start of a long-term relationship.
That stage, however, is followed by what could be called a power struggle between the two parties. That in turn is followed by the break-up of the relationship or by an accommodation between the two people involved.
Let's look at an example.
You know those ads where the girl feeds the guy ice cream on a spoon? They're both in a kind of half shadow and they're both wearing vests and they're both very sexy.
So there they are, really happy and really into each other. That's the romantic stage and it ends with them getting married or moving in together.
Now each begins to pay more attention to the differences between them.
Those endearing differences become really annoying.
"I hate the way you stick that spoon of ice cream in my mouth with all your germs, yeuuchh!" he says.
"You're such a wimp, you expect me to spoon-feed you all the time," she replies.
She used to think his habit of leaving his clothes lying all over the place was a sign of a free spirit; now she thinks it's disgusting.
He used to think her tidiness fetish was cute; now he thinks she's an obsessive witch who's choking the life out of him.
We have moved into the power struggle.
Why can't you be more like me? Why can't you see everything my way?
Why do you go on doing your stupid man/woman things despite the fact that you have my excellent example to guide you?
The power struggle can end in the destruction of the relationship. But it can end in other ways too.
For instance, there can be a cold war in which the couple go through their whole lives living together but without really experiencing warmth towards each other ever again.
Or one can win and the other can lose, so that you have one partner who never disagrees with the other partner again. There is an awful silence imposed on one by the other. What a dreadful way to live!
One of the good ways it can end is in a sort of amused, mutual tolerance.
Ah sure, that's the way she/he is. There's a mutual respect or tolerance there without the necessity to beat each other into a pulp for being different.
Another good way for it to end is in mutual creativity, a mutual support for the development of the other person. Thus, we hear of partners supporting each other through career changes, studying and so on.
The good outcomes do not mean that there will be no fights in the future. It is more or less impossible for two human beings to live together permanently without having rows. We're just too 'darn ornery' not to fight.
I mention this because people who have bought into the romantic version of love and marriage sometimes believe true love means no fighting.
Well, it doesn't.
Sharp disagreements are all part of the marriage deal.
So if you're in the doghouse - and how come it's always the guy who's in the doghouse? - it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or that it's time to call in the divorce lawyers.
Nor need you go around feeling guilty because the romantic stage is over.
The romantic stage was always going to be over and be replaced by a stage which has the potential to be deeper and closer because it is more genuine.
Mind you, a little romance never hurts and be very sure you don't forget the anniversary - there's another thing, how come it's always up to the guy to remember the anniversary? - or it will be back to the doghouse for you.
pomorain@irish-times.ie
Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.