The Bigger Picture:Most people are taught not to show off. We're sharply warned against anything that might make it look like we had a big head or any plans for rising above our station.
As a result, for many of us, just sharing of ourselves - expressing ourselves, being visible - feels wrong, like we're doing something bad. And yet, showing yourself - where you are in your life, how you like things, your wishes for the world - is not only healthy, it creates greater health.
There's something interesting about the ideas of getting a big head and rising above your station. Both imply you wouldn't have an accurate perspective - of yourself, the world, your location in it or your abilities.
Having an accurate view is important. Not only does it cause us stress to have an inaccurate perspective of ourselves, but it hinders our progress and growth, and makes it difficult for us to get close to people.
Being humble is very important. It is the opposite of defensive, and so the gateway to learning. However, for most of us, the fear projected on us to keep us from thinking too much of ourselves doesn't facilitate a more accurate picture. Rather, it encourages us to sell ourselves short.
This is a pattern of survival that emerged from a time when our people were brutally mistreated. It taught us to keep our heads down, shrink and make ourselves invisible. The point was that we wouldn't be seen, and thus hopefully escape an attack and ensure our survival.
This is why the pull is so strong. At one time, the lives of our people depended on being able to behave like this. However, times have changed and we're no longer under such threat. The pattern is still being handed down, however.
The fact is that selling ourselves short limits our growth as well as our ability to nurture deep connections. It's simply not healthy. We each have a place in our community. It is not the case that we can function well in those communities if we shrink into invisibility. Rather, this perspective erodes our confidence and diminishes our self-esteem, and leaves us less functional in our lives.
We should get to show off to some degree in every aspect of our life, including our physical, emotional and spiritual selves. It is about being visible, participating, expressing ourselves, challenging ourselves, taking risks, nurturing and growing.
There is something beautiful about both taking your moment to share yourself with the world, and also getting a chance to notice how the world is delighted with and enhanced by you. This is what it means to be part of our community. You can't be part of something if you are not present and seen. Indeed, you can't be loved.
At the moment, we don't handle this well. In our society we are either disproportionately visible - with the celebrity, fame and status cultures - or disproportionately invisible - with a glorification of silence, martyrs and many people struggling to show themselves at all. We are out of balance in sharing the most basic and powerful resource we have: our attention for each other.
And so, the problem isn't with the act of showing ourselves, but with the fact that we haven't been taking turns. In all our relationships - all aspects of our lives - we need give and take.
As much as it is healthy to be an audience for someone else, it is also healthy for them to then turn around and be an audience for us. This supports the growth of the most number of people in the community. This allows us to make and deepen connections. Taking turns, sharing, having life in balance . . . these things create health.
When we understand that everyone needs an opportunity to show themselves, we very quickly realise that anyone taking up all the time or none at all would actually be injuring the health of our community.
This is why diversity is so useful. The more our individuals are empowered and expressing their unique selves, the greater the hope and imagination of the community. A society that suppresses or leaves people behind cannot be successful, no matter how much money it has.
Our journey for a meaningful, fulfilled life will always, eventually, come down to an assessment of our relationships. We are social beings at the end of it all. We grow and thrive by our connections.
The whole idea of showing off is to bring ourselves out of ourselves and closer to others. No one can love someone they've never seen. In this, we have charge of our own visibility.
It is healthy to let others know us. In doing so, we create opportunities for them to love us. At the same time, we also get to sit back and notice them. Pay them attention and take our turn loving them.
We benefit from this. It brings joy into our heart. More so, it is more fun and less stress than trying to make others be less of themselves. This is the means to building a strong community.
Next week I'll write about how to show off our bodies, minds and spirit.