DAVID COLEMAN ASK THE EXPERTUnwanted advice can undermine a new mother's confidence in her own abilities
I'M A mother for the first time. My daughter is eight months old. My problem is that I'm being constantly barraged with advice from my mother, my husband's mother and father, my sisters and brothers.
It's driving me crazy as I feel that I don't know my own mind about how to look after her best. I feel that everything I do is monitored by them and commented on behind my back. How can I go about getting more freedom to be a mother?
Unless I am misunderstanding your situation, the issue appears to be the "unwanted" nature of the advice you receive, rather than simply not wanting advice at all.
I guess that many new mothers and fathers will have shared your experience. Unasked-for advice can seem like a criticism of what you are currently doing. It can add to your confusion about what is best to do.
It can undermine any confidence that you do build up and it can lead to a lot of friction between you and your husband (especially if he thinks you should be doing what his mother advises).
Of course most people who offer comment and opinion do so with good intention. They too only want what they see to be best for you and your baby. They are also often the storehouses of much wisdom based on experience.
The difficulty arises when their advice conflicts with your opinion and with the opinions being thrown at you from the rest of your extended family.
In the early stages of parenthood a lot of our self-belief is undermined anyway. We may have been supremely confident, assured and competent in other areas of our lives yet fall apart when we are faced with a screaming baby whose needs we can't understand.
This is a natural reaction and response. What then happens for most of us is that with trial and error we begin to get a pattern and a flow to how we deal with our baby and then life starts to seem more balanced again.
I would suggest, however, that you get two things organised before you start on the road of changing the behaviour of your extended family. Firstly, you need to be sure that your husband supports you. You and he have created a new family unit with your daughter and it is okay for you to stand apart with your own views and beliefs about how to rear your daughter. But you need to be a cohesive unit especially if you are challenging the status quo.
Secondly, you need to be prepared to dig deep into your reserves of self-esteem and self-worth. If you are worrying about being monitored and criticised, it can be hard to remember that you are an adult who judged risk, analysed situations and probably made good enough decisions in the past.
Parenting requires self-belief (as well as bucket-loads of patience) so spend some time reaffirming yourself and the choices you know you can make.
You can then start the process of change by simply raising awareness of how much unwanted advice you get. Your in-laws and out-laws may not even realise how much unsolicited opinion they throw at you. So let them know, firmly but with humour, when their advice is unasked for.
After that it becomes a process of "behavioural shaping". What I mean by this is that you use behavioural theory to change (or shape) their behaviour. Start by ignoring any unsolicited advice given unless it fits with your own beliefs about what is best to do.
This will counter what is happening at the moment when you probably unintentionally reinforce your extended family for their unsolicited advice by often implementing what they suggest. Once you stop implementing it, they will get the message that there is no point in offering opinion because it will be ignored.
Completely ignoring what is being said may appear rude and you might also get your relatives repeating themselves if they feel you haven't heard. So, you might need to make a simple comment like "I hear what you have suggested" before doing your own thing.
Your instinct about what is right for you and your baby is a powerful thing and, as I was suggesting earlier, by ignoring advice from others you will have to rely on your own reserves more. This is not a bad thing.
Similarly, you cannot control whether your relatives are commenting behind your back so best not to focus your energy on worrying about this. You need all your energy to look after your baby.
There are times when we all throw up our hands in exhaustion, exasperation, confusion and panic when we don't know what might help our baby, so, even within your new approach, don't be afraid to ask for the advice of others when you do want a second opinion. If needs be, just make the distinction clear for them about the difference for you between seeking help and having it shoved at you.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He is currently presenting 21st Century Child which is broadcast on RTÉ 1 television on Mondays at 9.30pm.
• Readers' queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. E-mail questions to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie