MIND MATTERS:Don't expect too much from anyone in the early days of a vacation, writes Tony Bates.
I'M AT SEA again. And no, I don't mean that metaphorically. Not today. I'm aboard the car ferry to Roscoff, seated in a very comfortable cabin and looking out two splendid windows on an ocean of blue grey swirling breaking waves. Blessed is the summertime that has a boat adventure in it somewhere.
My destination is a small town about 30 miles north of Paris. Part work, part pleasure. The trip there and back across the French motorway system promises to be a lot of fun. My bike is secured on one of the car decks below, sat nav programmed for the obscure village of Trosly. My ipod's playlist has been kindly rehabilitated by a friend determined to break me into the 21st century (more Pink and less Pink Floyd). I'm ready for the open road whenever we reach shore.
Many of us hit this time of the year with frayed nerves and tired minds. In offices, schools and businesses all across the land, this is a time of wrapping up loose ends and winding down for the silly season. Papers are being completed, exams corrected and projects tied up as people work to their limit to earn the right to "go on holidays".
I have met many tired people lately. People who have given generously of themselves in their particular line of work, people who need a break. But as I have listened to them, I've wondered if their high levels of stress won't make it hard for their imminent holiday to deliver the transformation they're counting on.
As I look around this ferry I see some weary families who look like they just barely made the boat on time. They seem tense and uneasy in these unfamiliar surroundings, but maybe the real challenge they face is being together as a family in the one place after months of barely connecting as they run between projects. Tempers are short as they do their best to settle into one another's company and make it across the difficult transition from reality to vacationville without saying something that could sour the entire trip.
Let's face it: holidays can be a health hazard. How many of us in the throes of making some deadline (which we had misread on the computer print out because it was printed in a point six font), or battling unforeseen frustrations that never seem to happen on those glamorous television travel shows, hasn't wished we had stayed home, packed the kids off to relatives and spared ourselves the grief of trying to have a good time?
As a holiday veteran, who has made all the usual mistakes at some point or other, let me share some things I discovered that may make the whole ordeal more bearable for all concerned. My few insights may be self-evident but it's surprising how easy it is to forget the basics as we get busy loading our holidays with high expectations.
Number one: holidays should have something for everyone. It's good to find out, well in advance, what's likely to work for each person in the party/family. People come in different shapes and sizes and have very different needs and tastes. Some want to be still, others want to dance; some want to make some new friends; others to simply rebuild bridges with those difficult people in their lives they call loved ones; some want to stay in one place, others need adventure or the opportunity to learn some new skill.
It may pay off handsomely if you invest some time crafting your holiday plans around the particular hopes/needs of everyone involved. When people feel their wishes have been taken into consideration, they may be a lot happier to pull their weight and endure inevitable frustrations.
Number two: the purpose of a holiday is to allow you time for the wounds of stress to heal. They are about helping you recover the forgotten art of being yourself and feeling at ease in your own skin. But this can't happen overnight. People often forget to build in some decompression time when they arrive at their holiday destination expecting that everything should work from day one. Cut yourself and others some slack; don't expect much from anyone in the early days of a vacation. This is time that may be well spent winding down with some light reading material, or sleeping, or a combination of both.
Number three: holidays work in moments where and when you least expect them to. We may fill our holidays with an itinerary of exotic adventures/ distractions, but what we're actually looking for is often something very basic; we want to rediscover a certain pleasure in being in our own and other people's company. We want to experience that we belong in this world and that people like having us around. Such moments tend to occur over a morning coffee, when we're walking back from a local shop or sitting watching a sunset after dinner. Savour such moments. Don't pass them off as a waste of time, but regard them as perhaps the most vital ingredients for success in any holiday package.
• Tony Bates is founding director of Headstrong - The National Centre for Youth Mental Health (www.headstrong.ie)