THE BIGGER PICTURE Shalini SinhaThere are some things in life we can't do by ourselves, including many of the big things that really matter to us. Doubts and insecurities consistently keep us from realising our dreams.
In order to move beyond our limits, we need help. There's no way around it. If we could achieve what we really wanted in life by ourselves, we would have by now.
Most of us decided early on that it was easier to do things on our own.
Because the adults around us were struggling, they got angry when we showed our frustrations, worried when we showed our heartache, and were generally unable to meet our needs.
Being very young, our ability to focus on the present was profound. Thus, many of us chose to put our own needs on hold because it seemed the only option at the time.
Young children have more emotional skills and space than adults. They are generally in much better shape. Still, it is very distressing to have to limit your potential because those around you are stuck.
For many of us, noticing that no one was available in the moment began a long-term habit of low expectations and mistrusting people. Shockingly, we have learned to even reject love and support when it is ready and available.
Still, most of us have done very well (so it seems). We've brought ourselves through pain, learned life lessons and become proud of what we've achieved. Indeed, we should be.
Still, there are more things we wanted from life - dreams that continue to elude us, a path just a little or a lot different to where we've been able to get on our own. Some of us even continue to fall into the same hole over and over again, simply because we can't see how to do things differently. Whatever it is, we all have something important to us - something we've needed - that we can't get on our own.
As adults, our environment has changed. We no longer have to wait for others to notice our struggles or take the initiative in offering help.
We can seek out support, even making a lot from inadequate resources. We can employ a different measure to gauge how loved we are and when it's safe (even noticing that worried looking people might really love us).
Because we have grown up, we can take charge of our own needs. This includes seeking help.
Yet, we continue to respond with that same old, early decision that no one around us is in good enough shape to help, be trusted or believe in us completely when we express fear and doubt. We refuse to change our direction, do things differently or take a risk despite our fears.
As such, we continue to miss out on our dreams or on knowing our true potential.
Still, trusting people is not simple. In societies gone by, social struggle and personal conflict were dealt with in communities. Now, most of our difficulties are hidden away and dealt with by strangers. Few of us maintain an ability to trust someone else with our deepest hurts.
Indeed, it is a little foolhardy to believe that everyone or even many people around us are trustworthy.
While we all have the potential to support each other well, few can show a record of actions and decisions that prove our dependability when people are in pain.
However, each one of us has people in our lives who are trustworthy and will bend over backwards because of their love for us.
We are just too frightened to acknowledge them. While there are some who struggle enough with their own issues of trust to make them not entirely safe, others are worth reaching out to for help. In these relationships it could be very fulfilling to challenging each other, even coach each other on how to be more supportive together.
Finally, if it is true that no one around is trustworthy, there is no doubt that it's worth making a move to new surroundings.
The tricky bit is that we often judge others as untrustworthy because of our own old struggles. We cannot see worthiness around us because we are too afraid and unfairly limit, judge and dismiss those around us.
It's a conundrum. Because we made a decision early on that it made sense to do things on our own, we nurture a lack of expectation that makes those around us look less trustworthy than they actually are. So, where do we start?
The question is, how badly do you want to do things differently. Are you willing to push yourself beyond your limits?
If you are, surely the first limit to cross is the one that insists that everything we get in our lives, we get by ourselves.
Shalini Sinha is an independent producer, counsellor and journalist. she is a counsellor on equality issues. She has lectured on Women's Studies in UCD and co-presents Mono, RTÉ's intercultural programme.