Helen's Problem
There were four couples who went happily on holiday together every year. That is, until the divorce of one couple and now the other six are tired of taking the spare wife with them. This woman, Mary, is moody and ruins their holiday bringing them all down with her constant destructive references to her ex-husband, and gloomy predictions about her own lonely future. They seem to end up trying to please her all the time. They all work hard and look forward to this holiday each year. Now they want to know are they condemned to holiday with Mary for ever for fear of driving her to something desperate if they abandon her.
Ritual is both comforting and dangerous. How many of us know whether something we consider delightful and familiar is in fact a chore for the rest of our friends?
People change, their interests alter. For years there can be comfort and safety in hearing a group tell the same jokes and have the same reactions but then suddenly someone can become an irritant. A man who over-eyes the ladies can be regarded as great fun but overnight can turn into a sad, old fool. A woman who is constantly losing her passport, her hotel key or can't cope with the currency can be delightful and vague and protected for many a holiday and suddenly turn into an irritating, pathetic, old bat.
It could be happening to any or all of us at this very minute but it doesn't have anything at all to do with somebody being with or without a partner. The nonsensical routine of marching into the Ark two by two has long disappeared. I don't know anyone nowadays who feels there must be even numbers of men and women - except possibly at embassy dinners, which are heavy on protocol.
Most people would agree with the views of columnist Katherine Whitehorn who wrote many years ago that this was a pointless piece of etiquette unless of course you had planned for your guests to have sexual intercourse with each other between the starter and the main course when an even number would at least mean that nobody was left out, like musical chairs. So the problem is not what it appears - it doesn't matter whether Mary is married or separated. She's driving them mad. That's what the problem is.
In a way we can make a lash for our own backs by having routines which cannot be broken without creating a drama. I knew a couple who flogged across Ireland on a crowded train on Christmas Eve year after year to a draughty house with a lumpy bed because they thought that the other couple would be wretched if they didn't.
The couple on the Atlantic coast, who would have preferred their own company and a nice fish pie on Christmas day, exhausted themselves getting a turkey ready for the Dublin couple because they didn't want to let them down. It took just one bad bout of 'flu to sort them out and they have remained on their own turf for Christmas ever since.
In a Ladies Bridge four that I know of, one of the players has begun to irritate the others terribly by conducting endless post mortems. She has also started to count calories loudly: "Melted cheese and butter! We must be all stone mad".
People like that - who would make the hair stand up on your head in rage - are awful for no reason connected with their marital status. That's a red herring. They are awful because they are pains in the neck.
And even with terrible pains most of us are too kind to willingly and deliberately take an action that we know will hurt someone deeply. But then there is the other school of thought which can best be described as the Beware of Pity syndrome. A person merely disliked now could become a real hate object from pure cowardice about facing up to the situation.
My Advice
I know what I'd do if I were you Helen. I'd decide that enough is enough and then I'd urge the others to go without her. You are building up a toxic relationship with this woman. Soon she will get to the stage where she only has to say "Good Morning" to drive you all into a fury.
Without being unduly chauvinist, I'd leave out the men for the first discussion, men aren't really as into analysis as women are. As you obviously have grave doubts, you should organise the three women together and ask yourselves the following questions.
Ask whether you actually liked Mary when her husband was still around or whether you only tolerated her for his sake? If you think there was a real relationship there once, then it might be possible (but only just possible) to give her the "I think you ought to know . . . " line. Do you seriously think that she might take an overdose, suffer a depression or feel betrayed if you go without her, or are you making the situation and yourselves too important in all this? If you have genuine fears for her health then you must tell her you have noticed how unsettled and unstable she has become and suggest a counsellor.
Would the guilt that you might all feel about having deserted her totally destroy and outweigh the peace of any holiday taken without her? If you are going to be looking at each other with furrowed brows, worried that to she has jumped off a bridge, then it's no use. You're never going to be free of her.
But remember that when you're all going on senior citizens holidays with her in 20 years' time - I did warn you .
You can't all be real friends with her - otherwise this question wouldn't arise - you'd already know how to deal with it.
You are not even on acquaintance terms with her all the year round, are you? I think it can only be the holiday thing really otherwise you would have sorted out the personality differences in each others homes in real life.
I do think you should get out now. And when all agree, then get the men in for the practical side of it . . .
First, choose whichever of you comes over as the least smug and patronising, and tell her straight out that you are going on a different kind of holiday this year. Mention that you wanted to give her as much notice as possible and you are sure she had plenty of other places in mind.
It is not good to rehearse this kind of speech too much. Just do it, without apologising. Don't imply that the six of you have been shaking your heads and worrying about her. Don't say one word about being single or the stupid single room supplement, which is not the point at all and you know it. If you liked her and enjoyed her company you'd pay it willingly - but if she were nicer, she wouldn't let you subsidise her. This is not the right time to tell her about those unfortunate character traits. The most important thing is to be sensitive - and not to sound too cosy, or content, or secure, or happy. Arrange some other function later on - possibly a play or a film and supper - an occasion to which you will not bring your holiday snaps. So you can let her know that she has not been banished from your lives.