Don't arrive at 12 noon and stay till 6 p.m. (Never mind 9 p.m.) You'll be so sorry.
Do try to remember what you've ordered when the food arrives.
Don't sing. No matter how wonderful you think you sound, it is hell for other diners. Put a sock in it.
If someone else is making a speech, don't compete with them and don't heckle.
Don't mess with the flower arrangements.
Don't click your fingers for the waiter, or say things like "Hey, over here Manuel."
If you have to smoke do, but for God's sake don't stub your cigarette out in the remains of dessert.
Don't set anything alight, even your pudding.
Don't gossip in the bathroom because the person you're talking about will almost certainly be in one of the cubicles.
Do be really generous at this time of year, especially if you are in a big, loud party. Leave a decent tip.
Don't start calling people on your mobile phone telling them what a wild time you are having, particularly late at night.
Don't be tempted to show off your shimmery new Wonder bra
Think twice, think twenty times before saying yes to that drink on the house. Ever had just one Sambucca? One Irish Coffee? Just consider what the combination of caffeine and whiskey does to your heart.
Don't be the very last to leave. The waiting staff will hate your guts.
Leave when you're having a really good time.
Order you taxi so that you will be whisked away on time and with good grace.
Do take your own coat and umbrella, not the nicest ones you can find.
Try not to fall on the way out.
If you do feel sick the next day don't even think of litigation.