There's nothing like a little lettuce to help cut through the Portuguese pastime of bureaucracy; especially during a time of intense national pride such as that occasioned by the opening in Lisbon yesterday of the last exposition this century.
Marita, one of many guides at the 1998 Lisbon World Exposition - or Expo '98 as it is known - is an alfacinah. The name means a small crisp lettuce and also refers to one born in Alfama, one of the oldest and most beautiful districts around the city's famous port.
Alfacinahs are resilient and do not wilt easily, qualities essential for negotiating the bureaucratic nightmare required to sneak a preview of Expo 98.
Every six years, the United Nations chooses a country to host this international trade fair with its strong educational pretensions, under a single unifying theme. It is similar to the annual exhibition of pupils' projects at a local schools. The difference is that in this case the exhibitors are members of the international community.
This year's venue is a reclaimed 340-hectare swamp on the River Tagus which hosts a gigantic science-theme park and a massive urban renewal project which will continue long after Expo has closed.
Ireland is the only absent EU state but with more than 130 nations taking part, it is assumed by the international delegations attending that there is an Irish pavilion. Organisers are astonished that, with hard-up countries such as Namibia and Eritrea taking part, we have chosen not to do so.
Each country has been asked to interpret and present an oceanic theme from an environmental point of view and also regarding the oceans' many uses, industrial and explorational.
Ireland's non-participation is made more noticeable by our minor presence. We make an appearance in the UK pavilion under the aegis of Northern Ireland. At the pavilion's entrance, visitors step on to a moving walkway which circles a large outline map of Ireland and England cast on the floor.
Above the map, a "Cool Britannia"-style video depicts firms doing business in Britain and Northern Ireland. Elsewhere, the pavilion highlights themes such as Britain's maritime past while simultaneously promoting the UK as a tourist destination and centre of creativity. More shame awaits the Irish visitor in search of liquid refreshment. While a group of private investors planned an Irish pub within the Expo '98 site (where, it was rumoured, regular ministerial visits would be hosted), these appear to have fallen through.
Although the scale of the work at the park last week made the air unpleasantly gritty and the landscape was dotted with trucks, diggers and cranes, staff at the complex insisted the site was complete.
Meanwhile, the project's designated media centre was in chaos as none of the 140 phones or workstations to service the needs of the world's media was functioning. Nor, 24 hours after it was requested, could the centre accommodate a visit to the site by a lone Irish journalist or provide a tour guide to show off the wonders it certainly contains.
Confusion reigned as staff at the centre insisted all the great keynote pavilions - depicting the past, present and planned exploration of the seas - were closed until after the official opening. Thus, after being granted written permission to photograph pavilion exteriors, a privilege not requested, permission to enter them was warmly and repeatedly denied.
Thankfully, this information had not filtered down to the many under-employed tour guides such as Marita. So in complete violation of a vast edifice of regulations, The Irish Times was treated to a detailed tour of the high point of Expo '98: the magnificent Oceans Pavilion.
This giant aquarium holds 15,000 examples of 200 species of ocean life in five tanks. The main tank contains a volume of water equal to that of four Olympic swimming pools. The water has to be salinated in the basement before being washed through into the tanks. Twice a week it is replaced and a miniature warehouse of salt from the Red Sea is reordered for the repeat process.
The pavilion was designed by the American architect Peter Chermayeff and is the park's greatest attraction. It overlooks the newly opened 13 km bridge over the Tagus - now the longest in Europe - and the park's cablecar system which runs the length of the seafront. Viewed from a distance, the upper half of the building recalls Portugal's seafaring past, courtesy of a sail-shaped glass roof which appears to be supported by masts and steel hawsers.
In the darkened interior visitors are greeted by an enormous concave wall of glass little short of the height of a modern two-storey house. These curved windows provide a 180-degree angle of vision into the tank, giving the illusion of being slightly inside the tank. The harmless Grouper fish, its enormous mouth large enough to encompass a human head, mixes freely with several species of shark, including one elongated preposterous-looking specimen known as the Guitar shark. Turtle, ray and devil fish swim contentedly through a microcosm of the open ocean. In the background, the unbearably mournful sound of whale-song plays continuously.
The other tanks are modelled on the Antarctic, Indian, Pacific and Atlantic oceans and these, like the main tank, are also two storeys deep. The wide range of species includes the sea-horse and a pair of sea otters with their newborn offspring. In the Atlantic Ocean tank, puffins, gulls and oyster catchers can be watched from below the surface as they dive, foraging for food. It would be worth visiting the Expo for this exhibition alone though the price, at £72 for an all-inclusive three-day site ticket, seems steep.
Excessive bureaucracy again blocked the way at the Portuguese pavilion, and the Japanese Pavilion was stoutly defended, but after the Oceans Pavilion, the Pavilion of the Future comes a good second.
This comprises a three-dimensional journey to the ocean depths covering existing and likely threats to the seas. Visitors descend to the bottom of the Midocean Ridge and the Rift Valley via an interactive walkway. Along the way, there are holograms and a giant model of the various ocean currents and tides explaining their effect on the weather.
Massive storms are simulated, using wind, spray, and thunder and lightning special effects. The phenomena of the cyclical El Nino effect is explained and demonstrated.
That we know more about the solar system than about the depths is illustrated by rare film of continuous mountain ranges on the bed of the oceanic basins which measure 1,000 km in width and stretch for 65 km around the globe.
Despite the staff's approach to security, last Saturday thousands of people were admitted for the day to test-drive the site's facilities. The public response was one of justifiable national pride and the exercise also highlighted some major shortcomings. But this has done little to alleviate the chaotic running of the site. Between now and September 30th, about 8.5 million people will visit Expo '98, no doubt generating an accommodation crisis and accelerating the construction boom.