The big count is on to find out exactly how many people are living in the US of A and I am going to be one of the 275 million. Fame at last.
Yes, it's Census 2000 time folks and please fill out those forms so that there won't be the messing of the last census in 1990 when more than 8.4 million people were missed and 4.4 million others were counted twice.
This time the government is spending $6 billion to get it right. But it estimates that only about 60 per cent of the forms will be returned.
First a card arrived to say that the form was on the way. Then the form arrived with a note from Kenneth Prewitt, director of the Bureau of the Census, saying that "Your answers are important".
Depending on these answers are such goodies for the neighbourhood as money for schools, housing assistance, roads, services for children and the elderly and so on. Kenneth also slips in that I am obliged by law (Title 13 of the US Code) to fill in the form and send it back, or else.
Apparently no one ever gets into trouble for throwing the form away, but you never know. And absolute confidentiality is assured. "No unauthorised person can see your form or find out what you tell us - no other government agency, no court of law, NO ONE."
Luckily, it was the short form for the Carroll household, with just five pages. One out of six households get the dreaded long one with 53 questions which wants to know things like "do you have difficulties dressing, bathing or getting around inside the home?"
While this question is a butt of late-night comedians, the answers help the government to estimate the needs of disabled persons.
First question on the form is "How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1st, 2000?"
That is not easy to answer when you are filling out the form on March 14th. Better to wait. This was the wrong decision.
On March 20th, a reproachful card arrived from Kenneth saying I "should have received a US Census 2000 form". If not already filled out please do so and send it back as "an accurate census is important to ensure that all communities get their fair share etc."
A prediction had to be made to satisfy Kenneth.
He wants to know if on April Fool's Day I am housing "foster children, roomers or housemates" but he is not interested in "college students living away, people in a correctional facility, nursing home or mental hospital" or Armed Forces personnel living somewhere else.
Then comes the questions on race which gave my colleague Fintan O'Toole such anguish in a recent column.
I ticked "White" because it is what "this person considers himself to be".
The other categories were Black, American Indian, Asian Indian, Chinese, Filipino, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Native Hawaiian, Guamanian, Samoan, Other Pacific Islander and "some other race".
You could also tick "one or more races". Fintan, after much agonising over whether he is "a member of the white race", answered "none of the above". I don't think Kenneth will be too pleased with that and there is a $500 fine for "giving false information".
The race question has been ridiculed by many commentators. It is an attempt to replace the questions in the last census in 1990, when people were asked to indicate their ethnic root of choice, so you could say Irish, German, Hispanic or whatever. But this census will not be able to say how many people believe themselves to be Irish-Americans.
In the last census, 22.7 million are listed as claiming Irish ancestry, although this figure has been doubled to 44 million in many articles about Irish-America.
Of that 22.7 million, 269,741 were born in Ireland and of those, some 50,000 arrived in the US between 1980 and 1990. But this was a period of substantial illegal immigration from Ireland or "undocumented", as it is euphemistically called.
Almost certainly, the last census under-counted thousands of Irish immigrants who feared filling out the form would mean exposure and deportation. This is a big problem with this census in spite of all the assurances about confidentiality.
Some 500,000 "enumerators" are being hired by the Census Bureau to track down those who have not sent back their forms. This is not to root out illegal immigrants but to ensure that local authorities get all the funding they are entitled to based on an accurate count. Washington DC is said to have missed out on $200 million in subsidies because of the under-count in the last census.
But try telling that to a poor Mexican who is confronted with a form - in Spanish if he or she is lucky - which wants to know how you got to work last week, how much your fuel bills are, what your income is and so on. And even the Presidential contender, George Bush, has said he would not answer all the questions on the long form.
Minnesota is offering $1 to each of its prison inmates to fill out the forms. It's not costing the state anything, as the money is coming out of what the prisoners pay in surcharges for phone calls and profits from the prison canteen. No wonder this is a rich country.