Q. Will there be enough champagne to go round?
A. The only two worthwhile conspiracy theories about the millennium (out of the estimated 85,000), given that it's just a random date, are that (a) it was hyped up by the computer industry so they could make a killing out of fixing the "non-existent" Y2K bug, and (b) that it's all the work of an international champagne-producers' cartel.
Those lucky business journalists who are paid to investigate these life-or-death matters have come up with the following figures: 150 million Americans will be guzzling champagne come the millennium, alongside 25 million Germans, 20 million Italians, 20 million French and five million Australians. The rest of the world will, presumably, be staying on the cider.
This, you'll be surprised to know, represents the biggest demand in history for the ridiculously overpriced sparkling wine which pretends it is something it is not. Further exhaustive research has shown that at millennium parties, one bottle will be downed per person. Some party.
Since, self-evidently, champagne can only come from the Champagne region of France, the worry is there won't be enough to satisfy this huge demand.
Rumours last year that you better "buy lots and buy early" have now been traced back to the industry itself which was trying to turn the drink into an "investment opportunity".
Most champagne is non-vintage, which means that it's made by blending the most recent year's harvest with some reserve wines from previous years. There should be no problem at all tracking down some of this stuff but, as with everything, you will have to pay a millennium tariff on it, a tariff that will probably rise to 100 per cent in the coming months.
The problem is with vintage champagnes. A series of bad years during the early 1990s, together with the fact that most good producers allow their wines a good three years to mature before flogging it to the public, means that serious champagne heads will have to look for a bottle from 1990.
The other vintage years to note down in your diary are 1988, 1985, 1982 and 1979. None of this applies to plastic bottles of Linden Village, you'll be glad to know.
If you're really going to do the champagne thing for the millennium, you should be looking for the drop-dead exclusive stuff which several champagne houses offer. Known as cuvees de prestige, the sales of these wine were once limited to special clients (and European prime ministers) but are now increasingly available to ordinary plebs, as long as the price is right.
Timing is ever so important with buying your millennium champagne. Buy it too early and you'll probably drink it by July, buy it too late and you'll be charged a four-figure sum for it. Industry experts say that come the end of the year there will be the fascinating scenario of "black market" champagne doing the rounds, with people in dicky bows meeting shady dealers in underground car-parks to negotiate the price of a case of Dom Perignon.
And, yes, this column will be faxed out to Kosovo.
