The Last Straw: A wave of nostalgia swept over me with the news last week that China had offered a pair of giant pandas to neighbouring Taiwan.
The development seemed welcome in itself. Tensions have been running high across the Taiwan Strait lately, and pandas are proven tension reducers. But the news was also a throwback to an age when these loveable bears were major players in world politics.
The phenomenon of "panda diplomacy" peaked in the 1970s, when Chairman Mao presented Richard Nixon with a pair - Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing - to speed the thaw in relations between the US and China. Americans fell in love with the pandas, as Mao had cunningly planned. But they weren't the only ones targeted. There was a direct hit on Britain too, when Ted Heath was given a couple - Ching-Ching and Chia-Chia. Indeed, any world leader visiting Peking (as it was still known) at that time would have felt short-changed if he didn't come home with at least one.
China had been using pandas as diplomatic gifts for centuries. But these uniquely photogenic bears were made for the era of television (despite the fact that, even by the 1970s, they were still only available in black and white). Being a threatened species just added to their popular appeal. At the height of Mao's panda policy, they were involved in more overseas peace missions than Henry Kissinger. In fact, when Kissinger was controversially awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973, many of us thought the giant panda had been robbed.
Pandas are natural diplomats. By merely existing, they make people feel better, distracting them from unpleasant subjects - such as war, and Henry Kissinger, and China's human rights record. Everything about them speaks of non-aggression. So relaxed is their demeanour that, in a situation rare among animals, the international science community has to spend huge sums of money every year encouraging them to have sex with each other.
Human diplomats don't need much encouragement in this regard. But otherwise the two species have a lot in common. They both spend an inordinate amount of time eating. They're both very expensive to maintain in overseas environments. And, since the 1980s, when wildlife experts complained that China's diplomatic presents were undermining efforts to avert extinction, pandas now also travel abroad only on fixed-term postings. The replacement pair (Tian Tian and Mei Xiang) dispatched to Washington in 2000 went on a 10-year loan. Next time round, they get a hardship posting, like Riyadh.
Numbers in the wild have increased since the 1980s, so the Taiwan initiative opens up the prospect of pandas making an eventual comeback to full-time international diplomacy. There's certainly no shortage of work for them. In fact, Bertie Ahern and Tony Blair could do with bringing a couple to Stormont for the next phase of the Northern talks.
The Irish pair would be named "Bang-Bang" and "Ker-ching-Ker-ching" to symbolise the North's transition from conflict to peace and prosperity. There'd probably be a better chance of them breeding successfully than of the DUP and Sinn Féin getting it together in a new executive. But, in the absence of Senator George Mitchell, the bears could at least be used to break the tension at crisis moments.
Rev Ian Paisley (threatening walk-out): "We've had enough of your treachery, Mr Blair, and we're not going to stand for it any longer." Tony Blair (pointing to panda enclosure): "Oh, look what that big, cute, furry animal is doing now!" Paisley: "Yes - but enough about Gerry Adams! Ha, Ha, Ha!"
Of course the whole point of China's offer to Taiwan is that - in Beijing's eyes - it doesn't break the embargo on panda exports, since Taiwan is not regarded as a foreign country. Only recently, China upset its neighbour by formalising a vow to attack the island if it moves any closer to official independence. So in this light the panda offer is the perfect illustration of Chou En Lai's definition of diplomacy: "Continuation of war by other means." The implications have not been lost in Taiwan. Fearing a repeat of the panda-monium that struck the US in 1972, pro-independence groups have called for China's gift to be refused. "The pandas are a trick, just like the Trojan Horse," warned Huang Shi-Cho of the Taiwan Solidarity Union. "Pandas are cute, but they are meant to destroy Taiwan's psychological defences."
So, for all their cuddliness, clearly the bears are powerful weapons too. It's just as well they're notoriously hard to make, or proliferation would be a big problem in Asia. Iran would have a panda programme by now. North Korea would be planning to develop and test one soon. And no sooner had India come up with a basic model than Pakistan would be threatening to produce one in colour.
