Three sharp performers enlivened an Oireachtas committee on the Lisbon Treaty yesterday, writes MIRIAM LORD
THREE OLD hams and a history man rolled into Leinster House yesterday, greatly enlivening the proceedings of an Oireachtas subcommittee and generating enough wind to power the Round Ireland Yacht Race.
Members of the Where the Hell Did It All Go Wrong Committee were delighted with their celebrity guests. It isn't every day they get to shoot the breeze with Eamon Dunphy, George Hook, Bill Cullen and an academic who's the spit of Ryan Tubridy.
The quartet were invited to discuss the topic of "Public Understanding of the EU and Ireland's membership." No better men.
The subtext of this special committee's meetings over the last six weeks has been to try and work out how the derailed Lisbon Treaty can be credibly put back on track by our political masters. Could the three hams and the history professor give them any pointers?
Hooky managed to mention rugby, the Pharisees and Winston Churchill in his opening contribution. Dr Bill, overcome by a fit of nostalgia, tearfully reminisced about the days when de chislers in Dubalin hadn't any shoes on their feet, never mind a new Renault car under their backsides.
Dunply wanted to see "cross- Europe parties", even though he swears his champagne and nightclub days are behind him. Then again, there was general agreement that The Young People aren't connecting with the EU. Promises of parties across the continent would seem an excellent idea in terms of getting their attention.
Prof Richard Aldous was a rock of sense. However, he knew he would have to supply some decent soundbites if he didn't want to be left for dead by the other three.
So he made a passionate plea for the return of PJ Mara to the national stage.
"We have no supremo," said Richard, as Dunphy nodded enthusiastically, having rubbished Giovanni Trapattoni in yesterday's Irish Daily Star.
Hooky made free with the wisdom. Europe "is selling the sausage and not the sizzle", he told the enthralled deputies and Senators.
Sausages apart, the rugby pundit began by promising that he and his companions would be "very opinionated." Hooky was true to his word.
By George, can that man talk - although we're still trying to work out his assertion that Bono "helped Munster to beat New Zealand". Paschal Donohoe of Fine Gael, the young senator who chairs the committee, looked like he had died and gone to heaven.
"I started selling cars 52 years ago," began Dr Bill, motor trade millionaire, best-selling author and TV reality show star. "We don't sell cars any more. We're helping people to buy." The people charged with bringing the Lisbon Treaty to the Irish public failed to grasp this point.
He became emotional as he recalled how, in the early seventies, when Ireland was trying to join the EEC, 16 members of the negotiating team were killed in a plane crash.
"We owe what we are today to the European Union. Has anyone told the people how much we get from it? . . . We are not trying to sell them anything. We are trying to tell the truth about what the union is about and what it has done for Ireland."
Before we joined the EU, there were kids in Dublin who went barefoot. (Something, Bill clearly believes, that the footless youth of today don't know about.)
Eamon Dunphy laid his cards on the table straight off. "I voted down the Lisbon proposition," he announced.
Could the committee rebrand Europe and sell it? "I believe you can't, because the project itself has failed." He rowed back a bit on that statement following a strenuous defence of the EU from committee members and his fellow guests.
"By the way, I had shoes, Bill."
"You were lucky," came the riposte.
Eamon was a guest at the recent dinner in Dublin hosted by Declan Ganley. "I got a pair of Guccis when I went to the Libertas dinner. I spruced myself up," chortled Dunphy.
He is very annoyed at "disgraceful" attempts by the Yes lobby to "smear" Ganley. "This man hasn't a whiff of anything off him that I can see, and I can see a CIA man at 50 yards."
The proceedings became something of a battle between Dunphy and Hooky to come out with the best lines. George won.
"If Eamon ever went to school without boots, it's probably because he was too big for them."
The politicians didn't get to say much, content to let their guests do the talking. When they did speak, they spent much of their time beating themselves up in front of the celebrities, accepting that nobody really likes politicians and they made a big mess of communicating their Lisbon message. "
Do you think we were arrogant?" asked Fine Gael's Billy Timmins, before becoming infected by his guests' propensity to wander by talking about the D-Day landings.
Dr Bill threw his eyes up to heaven and made a face. Then he launched into a little homily on leadership. "I've talked about this on The Apprentice." Lucinda Creighton (FG) asked how they could "inject some sort of passion into this debate". George Hook, who was sipping water, nearly swallowed his glass.
Dunphy buttered up Lucinda, having already made a meal of George ("Outstanding broadcasta!"). Creighton fared better. "You are an ambitious rising star in Irish politics. You have every chance of being a cabinet minister in the future."
His point was that she wouldn't consider running for Europe, because the European Parliament "is a rest home for people who've failed in Irish politics".
Lucinda said nothing, but Senator Deirdre de Búrca did. Europe would be her first preference, insisted the failed Green Dáil candidate for Wicklow. "I take it you're running in the European elections," drawled Dunphy, correctly.
Dr Bill, having considered the situation, thought he might get involved in any future campaign.
"Politics is a noble calling," said Professor Aldous, reiterating his call to bring back PJ.
"We are performers," boomed George.
Eamon didn't want to see "celebrity messenger boys" trying to influence people's views on Europe.
"I would listen to Bill Cullen on Europe," opined Fianna Fáil's Beverley Flynn, although she was disgusted he fired one of her constituents from Mayo in the first instalment of The Apprentice.
"You're hired!" shouted Bill to a delighted Bev.
The upshot of it all? Try harder, and bring in a few celebrities to sex up the campaign.
Can we have the three hams back next week?