But enough about Enda Kenny the god. Time to celebrate Enda Kenny the man.
The Taoiseach was never going to live up to his advance billing on Saturday night.
After the build-up he got in Castlebar, any entrance short of lightning bolts and a winged chariot was going to be a disappointment. Instead of a blast of Wagner, his acolytes had to content themselves with Bruce Springsteen and Born to Run.
Or in Enda’s case, born to bustle through a sweaty hall while playfully batting away besotted admirers.
Anyway, born to run from what? Was Vincent Browne in the Green Room?
Perhaps the music was a comment on the calibre of the platform party. They may have been born to run, but on current figures, some of them are bound to lose.
But not Enda.
What. A. Guy.
Like God.
“Enda Kenny is everywhere!” gurgled Simon Harris.
Although at that point, he was likely to have been in make-up getting his quiff coiffed prior to his big moment.
Speaking in awed tones, Harris noted we are used to seeing Enda rubbing shoulders with world leaders and the like, “but beneath that steely determination, that drive to clean up the mess our Government inherited from the last crowd is . . .”
What Simon, what?
“. . . a very warm and engaging man – a man who never forgets where he came from.”
Handlers
That’s thanks to the Taoiseach’s handlers, who sew his address into the lining of all his jackets. (E Kenny, Govt Buildings, Merrion Street, Dublin 2. Please return.)
“A man of integrity, honour and decency,” throbbed Simon. “Enda would never let us down.” Purloining a small trowel from a passing plasterer, Junior Minister Harris wantonly slathered on the saccharin.
Enda will work day and night for the country, his energy knows no limits, and he’ll do us very proud at home and abroad.
“He will never let us down.”
Frances Fitzgerald popped up on the screen at one point to add her few words.
“He’s very warm and approachable, but he does have a spine of pure steel.”
Pure steel.
But Simon also promised the simmering audience in the TF Theatre (eau de carvery and curry) a glimpse of the “Real Man” and we were ready for it.
“Let us define tonight Enda Kenny the man.”
G’wan so.
The big screen came alive and a fella we never saw before told how Enda used to stand on a wall at the local church in the 1970s and make speeches.
There were black-and-white photos of him when he had a big head of hair. The audience swooned.
And another man remembered how he did powerful work with the local GAA back in the day.
“He’s a really enthusiastic cyclist,” declared the next unknown. “He thinks he’s Sean Kelly.” At this point, a photo of Enda in cycling gear and cheesy grin flashed up on the screen.
The audience laughed.
Michael Noonan appeared onscreen and said the Taoiseach had dealt with the problems in the economy and was a great man in a crisis.
The audience genuflected.
“I’m beginning to feel very hopeful,” declared new TD Helen McEntee.
Then Michael Ring took to the microphone to demonstrate that there's more than one politician in Mayo with superhuman powers, cranking up the decibel level until the wall began to shake.
The man described as the “Party Icon” eventually appeared in the flesh – grassroots already rising as Michael Noonan began his wise-man-waddle to the podium.
“If you want an example of where tough talking gets you – look at Greece,” he drawled, to cheers. “Talking reliable and sensible is the best thing.”
After one final paean of praise from Cork's Jerry Buttimer, it was time for Enda, who had his own special lectern shaped like Ben Hur's chariot.
The Taoiseach wanted to spread his good news: the recovery is secured. The famous Five-Point Plan has been delivered, albeit with the corners knocked off somewhat. And it’s now a square because the health angle “was always going to be very challenging.”
While he spoke, Enda twiddled and juggled a designer pen in his hands. He jabbed it in the air. It was an expensive comforter, but it certainly worked. Enda delivered a very confident and polished performance.
“Why am I, as Taoiseach, so focused on job creation?”
Probably because there’s a general election next year.
There was one potentially awkward bit in his script, when Enda indicated his party’s strong support for a Yes vote in the same-sex marriage referendum. “I say to all same-sex couples in our country: this is about you, it’s about your right to say two small words, made up of three simple letters: I do!”
This could have turned into cringe central, but he didn’t make a bad job of it. Interestingly, the response was more hesitant than the enthusiastic applause that greeted all the optimistic signals on the economy.
Bouquets and brickbats
There were bouquets for Joan Burton and brickbats for Micheál Martin and Gerry Adams.
As is his wont, Enda finished up with a quote from Michael Collins. Then he put away his designer pen before one of the onrushing TDs could rob it, and waved at the crowd.
Hands up, with his fists quickly opening and snapping shut, he looked like he was being bothered by fruit flies.
Inevitably, the TDs and deputies began taking selfies. Michael Noonan winked at the female politicians with his good eye and kissed them. Enda started giving friendly wallops to colleagues and nearly punched Jerry Buttimer in the throat. Michael Ring sidled into the chariot lectern when the Taoiseach moved sideways. Leo Varadkar stood to one side of the stage with his hands in his pockets.
There was definitely a marked improvement in spirits at this latest FG conference. Delegates, sensing the economy on the rise, are beginning to regain a little of the confidence they had in abundance when the party set out in Government four years ago.
There was a touch of fighting spirit about the place as party members talked of finally coming out the other side of a very difficult time.
For the closing number of the night, the Taoiseach swashed his spine of steel to Bruce again.
Fine Gael says the party had a plan, stuck to it and now things are coming right. With a year to the general election, the final phase is rolling out, as they knew would happen.
If the public buys this, Enda Kenny will be back in power.
Among other places.
Because he’s everywhere.
